Boundaries are Working

For the longest time I held off on boundaries. I couldn't figure them out and I didn't like the idea of physical space as a consequence because I was afraid. Isn't that such a common emotion for WoPAs? I was afraid of pushing him away, of pushing him to pornography, of making him angry, of physical space not helping, of feeling and being alone. I was so afraid. Over time I finally realized what I was doing wasn't working so I might as well try something new. I set up my boundaries. The consequence of many of them is us sleeping apart for a time so I can get my space, focus on my healing, focus on myself, and so I don't have to sleep as close the edge as physically possible as I try desperately to not bump into my husband as he sleeps next to me and I am so upset with him.

The first sleep apart boundary I set was because all of the sudden I couldn't sleep. I was used to B staying up later than me but all of the sudden it was making it impossible for me to sleep. So, I decided if he wasn't in bed within 30 minutes after I was in bed then I didn't want to sleep in the same bed. That first night I slept SO WELL knowing that he wouldn't be coming to bed at 2am possibly having acted out for me to find out the next day. It has really helped my sleeping since as well. This experience gave me the courage to set other boundaries. B and I have only slept in the same bed twice in nearly two weeks but I am feeling pretty darn good. I'm feeling peace (mostly). I feel safe and like I have a way to protect myself and allow myself the time I need to heal.

When I set my first two boundaries (before the bed time one) I called a friend and sobbed uncontrollably because this is what my life had come to and it was another realization of what I've lost, or what I never had to begin with. My friend told me that I would know if my boundaries were working by how I felt, if they gave me more peace, and if I felt more safe.

My boundaries are working right now! It makes me so happy to know that I can do something to help me feel safe while being married to man stuck in his addiction. It makes me feel like I don't have to be a victim, I don't have to let this thing destroy me, and I can be happy no matter what circumstances surround me. I love my boundaries because of how much they help protect me. I hated that I had to make boundaries to feel safe but situations are what they are and I have to live with them and this is the way for me to do that successfully so I will.