This post is part of my step work through the "Healing Through Christ Manual" in which I answer the questions presented at the end of each step to work my way through what was taught. The "Healing Through Christ" manual can be downloaded for free at healingthroughchrist.org.
RECOGNIZING UNHEALTHY BEHAVIORS
Step One Inventory
1. Do I focus mainly on the problems of my addicted loved one and allow this focus to consume my life? Do I allow their problems to prevent me from living a happy and productive life and from loving and interacting with family members and friends?
Some days the problems of my addicted loved one consume my life. Mostly I would say no though. Having an addicted loved one in the first place can feel consuming but I still actively love and interact with family members and loved ones generally. I would say 80/20 on this one. It does happen sometimes but not most of the time.
2. Have I been in denial over the seriousness of my loved ones' addiction? Describe the thoughts and emotions that encouraged my feelings of denial.
I am not currently in denial but I was for several years. I ignored what was happening, "even when it [was] right before [my] eyes." I did this until I was ready to face the truth. This week I contemplated going back to that place - it seemed easier somehow. But I know it is unhealthy, and it ate away at me, so I can't go back.
3. Have I enabled my addicted loved one? What was the result?
Yes, I believe I have because I shielded him from consequences. I didn't have any boundaries and let myself be treated as a doormat. I let myself be used as a lust hit. I pretended what he is doing had no effect on me or our family. It does have an effect. The result was nice for him I believe - he has referenced going back to that time when I was actively ignoring because he felt like I wasn't hurt as much, which he prefers. However, it was still hurting I just wasn't as vocal about it and I wasn't dealing in a healthy manner. What it didn't do was change him at all - he still acted out the entire time. I'm guessing it was every week or two. I can't control it.
4. Have I used persecuting behaviors to try to stop my loved ones' addiction? What was the outcome? Do I feel responsible for their recovery?
Yes, I have. I have made sure to let him know how hurt I am thinking his guilt and shame will make him stop. That didn't work. I have given him the silent treatment. That didn't work. I have thrown information about addiction and recovery at him. That didn't work. I've tried to control. The part of the handbook that says "it doesn't matter if we could help them if only they'd listen to and cooperate with us" really struck me. I COULD help if only he would listen!! But that doesn't matter because I can't control him, or his willingness to listen, or seek or want help. I can't control whether or not he even has a desire to change.
5. Do I feel I am a victim as a result of my loved ones' addiction? Do I suffer from feelings of guilt or shame? How have I suffered because I blamed myself for my loved ones' addiction?
Yes, I have felt and feel a victim as a result of my loved ones' addiction. I'm not sure how to not feel that way. He is doing all of these things. The addiction makes him irritable, quick to anger, and selfish and it is a form of adultery. I am being cheated on every 3 weeks. I don't know how to not feel like I am a victim of that. It feels like if I say I am not a victim, then I am saying his behaviors are acceptable and okay and I'm just the one with the problem. I know he is not doing these things too me but they are affected me. I am being cheated on, repeatedly, over and over and over. Clearly, this is one negative emotion I need to work on. I don't blame myself anymore - I did for a little while early on, but I don't now.
6. Have I tried to change my appearance through starvation or cosmetic surgical procedures in an effort to stop my loved ones' sexual addiction. Have I become anorexic?
My resolution to change my appearance for him never lasts more than a day because something I now know is that I am beautiful by the definition of my Savior and that is enough for me. I struggled with bulimic tendencies briefly in college and briefly after I was married and facing the truth of having an addicted loved one but now my testimony of my divine worth won't let me do that.
7. Am I distracting myself from emotional distress by excessive shopping, spending, over-eating, obsessive exercising, or using media or any other behavior to escape or soothe my fearful or angry emotions?
Yes, I watch TV to distract myself. I watch TV to go numb and stop thinking about all this.
8. How have unhealthy codependent behaviors impacted my life? How have they affected my loved one?
They have made me miserable. This addiction is stupid and I can't control it or my husband's desire to overcome it. Allowing either any control over my happiness has just brought worry and fear and heartache. I don't know how to have an open and vulnerable and successful marriage without some happiness hinging on it being those things though. If it has no effect on my happiness then it is just business, it isn't something that can make me happy or sad, so why put all the effort into it? A great marriage would make me happy, so how do I saw an unhealthy marriage won't make my unhappy?
I choose to avoid controlling others
1. Have I tried to control addictive behaviors through threats, silent treatment, withdrawal of love, shaming, blaming, or constant monitoring of their behaviors?
I would say no. I have withdrawn love, I have blamed (in my heart), I have gotten silent. But I don't think I did those in an effort to control. I know they were perceived that way but I honestly have done those things when I have felt too weak to be vulnerable, too hurt to put myself out there, and too sad to put his feelings ahead of my own. These were a mechanism for coping with the hurt - by shielding myself from more hurt.
Letting go and allowing consequences
1. Why is it important to allow my loved one to experience the consequences of their addiction? How will this make a difference in their life as well as my own?
It is important because that is the nature of this life - the way it was designed. We make choices, and we face the music. I am not the Savior, so I don't have the capacity to save my husband, nor is it my job. We must all face our own consequences. I believe that facing them sooner helps us in the long run.
Reacting or responding
1. What can I do to begin responding rather than reacting? What differences do I see in myself and in others when I respond rather than react?
Honestly, I feel I generally do a good job of responding rather than reacting. Rarely do I just let my knee-jerk reaction rule my actions. However, I could work on not letting it control my thoughts and feelings too. When I respond rather than react the situation doesn't escalate. My husband will react about 95% of the time, so all it takes for a situation to escalate is for me to react as well and then BOOM there we go. I struggle with feeling it is unfair to have such a disparity in who reacts vs. responds. But life isn't fair. And where much is given much is required. I was taught to respond rather than react so I am required to do so. My husband, through is primary attachment figure, was mostly taught to react rather than respond so he isn't held to the same standard (I believe). Sometimes it just stinks.
My favorite quote from the workbook while working this section of the step was:
"Do not give in to paralyzing feelings of guilt and hopelessness. Seek spiritual help and peace. Be strong and courageous. You will see it through." - Elder Carmack (p. 12)
I will see it through!
No comments:
Post a Comment