I'm Allergic

So, my body is freaking out. I won't go down the laundry list of things going wrong in the past couple weeks. They are all pretty minor but just coming is such quick succession is annoying. The latest one: This morning I woke up with a crazy rash all over my body. I headed to school and it only got worse. I started panicking; I hate not knowing what is going on with my body! I realized the one thing I'd done differently was use a new loofah last night. I thought I was having an allergic reaction! In 27 years I've NEVER had an allergic reaction but here it is, an itchy, red, bumpy rash all over all of the sudden. I skipped my work after class and came home to take a benadryl and a nap fully expecting it to be gone when I woke up. No such luck, it is getting worse and now I have a low grade fever. I had to skip the volunteer activity I had planned for tonight. Now I've consulted a nurse friend and taken another benadryl with a plan to call the doctor in the morning if it hasn't gone away.

The reason I share this story is I kind of see an analogy of the trauma brought on by our loved ones addictions. I can be going along fine, working hard in my life, finding peace, and then BOOM all of the sudden I don't recognize where I am and have no idea how I got there. Stupid trickle disclosures, or D-day, or just addict mode, or a trashy ad on the TV, or any other kind of trigger. All of the sudden I'm not feeling peace, I'm not exactly sure what to do but I know I can't just ignore the new symptoms.

So, I think about recent events. I look inward. I find a reason for the sudden change. Hooray! If I have a reason then I can name whatever is happening and take steps necessary to remedy it right? I can reach out to my WoPA friends, pray, ponder the gospel, meditate, work on steps. So I get to work. Sure, it takes putting other things on the backburner (like me skipping work and study group today) but it must be done so thems the brakes. (I'm saying this casually, but I actually get quite irked by having to interrupt the things that need to be done to work on healing from something that shouldn't be happening in the first place). I get to work, but after a few scriptures and prays I'm not better. What?! Why do I still feel this way? Why is it getting worse?!

There is still more healing and investigating to be done. And that is how I feel about recovery. I work hard, I find peace, and I get triggered or panicked or new information thrown at me and I have to dig deeper, do more work, more self-assessment, maybe even go to a doctor. But, I do believe there is an answer. There is a healing balm to be had and someday I will be healed and I will be stronger for the experience.

**Post-Note: It turns out I was having a bad reaction to an antibiotic. I'm now have taken a steroid shot, started an oral steroid, and applied a steroid cream. The power of the atonement is even stronger than multiple steroids at combating out trauma and I'm ever grateful for that!