A reminder of why I have boundaries

A couple days ago I was having the kind of day that would really have been made better by a supportive help-meet. Instead I got a disclosure. I felt very let down. It seems that when I most need or want B's support he is unavailable to me due to being in addict mode. We slept apart per my boundary. The next day was tough but I was still needing some support of my own for unrelated things. I decided to go out on a limb and give B the opportunity to be a help-meet. I got burned. In retrospect I turned toward him too quickly after a disclosure.

We went on a planned date and it wasn't lovey-dovey but it was nice. I decided that this time one night apart was enough (the boundary I've been using is at least one night, maybe more, which has usually ended up being 2 or 3). I decided I would open myself up to being vulnerable because I just really really wanted to have a good hug and get the support I needed this week and I had hope that he could do that. I still thought he might be able to be the husband I wanted so desperately to help me get through the week. I told him he could sleep in the bed and before I could get my next sentence out he told me he didn't think he should. BURN. When I closed the door to my room I kind of fell to the floor with the ugly cry, and it caused a nose-bleed. That is what I get for thinking Mr. Addict could pull through for me. After another conversation today he is not feeling very much love toward me right now. This is common right before or after acting out. He gets hung up on maybe there is something better out there, or on the things I do that bug him, or on my weight. So, he slept apart because he didn't like me enough to sleep next to me. It is a blow to my ego but honestly I brought this upon myself.

I have boundaries for a reason, sleeping apart was to save me from Mr. Addict for a couple nights of peace and self-care. I turned toward him too soon and didn't find B there to support me I found Mr. Addict there to judge me, and shun me, and think only of himself. One of the things I hate most about this addiction is it robs me of the support I thought I was getting when I got married. Mr. Addict always seems to visit when I REALLY would like my husband around. Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, a death in the family, illness, deteriorating friendships, stressful weeks at work or school have all happened with Mr. Addict living with me.

Today I'm pretty deflated. It kind of sucks when your spouse tells you they do love you like they are trying to convince themselves and follows it with saying not right now (in so many words). I wrote a while back about a wrecking ball that knocks down the relationship we're trying to build and I keep trying to help build the wall that is our relationship when I know a wrecking ball is coming and it will continue to knock me down. Isn't that the definition of crazy? Last week's disclosure I was not in the way of the wrecking ball and felt very well and whole. This one got me, I've been knocked flat of my ass. Even though I can't rely on B right now for even non-addiction related support I know I can always rely on my Savior to help pick me back up.

Slated for the rest of the weekend: self-care, scriptures, prayer, more self-care, sleeping apart, letting the atonement of the Savior work on my heart to heal and fill with hope and love again.