I Want To Feel Safe

About a week ago I discovered another lie of deliberate omission by my husband. It was the most recent in a round of one ever few weeks since maybe mid-November. I've lost count I just know that for a few months now, for the first time in our marriage, I've actually caught lies. For a while I was okay getting over them in a decent amount of time. Then I started questioning why I'm finding so many. I still believe maybe the Lord saw fit that it was time I knew a little more of the truth.

For the last week I've been trying the "fake it til you make it" route on trusting B. I thought that if I could just move on and act like I trust him and force myself to believe him then I would and I'd be able to skip on the trauma mode portion of the cycle. I've not done a good job. I have asked EVERY SINGLE day if he's looked at anything, which is WAY out of my norm. I usually don't ask, I expect him to tell me. And the asking isn't helping because when he says "No" I immediately think, "Yeah, right, you're lying, asshole."

Turns out you can't force trust. Turns out this lie might have been the straw that broke the camel's back as far as some serious boundary considering. I'm considering having him move out of the bedroom. I've implemented a couple nights apart plenty of times for acting out and lying. I've never actually made it a quasi-permanent situation. I'm not sure if I want to. It is the boundary I first thought of when this happened a week ago but I have been going back and forth because I don't know if it is because that would make me feel more safe or I want to punish him.

I want to feel safe. I also want to punish him. In the moment I want him to hurt like I do. I want him to FEEL. I want to break him like has broken me. I want him to see all my worth and know that he's nearly lost me. I want him to actually CARE about something more than pornography. I want him to actually get his work done and help support us financially in the way he is supposed to be doing. I want him to ask me on a damn date. I want him to fall over himself making it up to me. I want him to go to meetings, and read books, and do the steps. And therein lies my problem. Aside from the first one, all these things are for HIM to do and I can't force HIM to do anything. 

So, back to the first one. I want to feel safe. How do I feel safe if I can't trust my spouse to simply tell the truth. There have been so many times he assured me I know everything. The lies that I've uncovered so far haven't been things worse in nature than what I already knew. In fact they are all a little less bad in nature but they are still acting in his addiction and they were all kept from me because "they aren't all the way acting out." So the women weren't FULLY nude. Or it was just "dancing." Or, it is "reference" for his art. Or I wasn't told because it is "better" that he didn't hurt me so much by telling me.

I need to take control of my life back from this stupid addiction. I want to feel safe. But how?