A Game Plan - A Successful Vacation

I think I wrote about how much anxiety a pending vacation was causing me last month. As the vacation approached I asked B if he had a game plan for dealing with the potential triggers. I asked if we could make a game plan for us to meet the potential triggers and contention during the week. We agreed to be open and communicate as soon as we started to feel some contention beginning. Typically when B gets triggered he starts resenting me for something minor and becoming less patient. He agreed to not let that fester. When he is around a large group of people he tends to feel left out, which brings up negative emotions from all the way back to his childhood. Knowing we were staying a house with lots of people, and lots of adults, we decided on game plan for if he was feeling unheard an I went in very aware of trying to be inclusive and attentive. We talked calmly and did the best we could to make a safety plan to ensure our vacation is a success.

Day 2 of vacation it was put to the test. B followed through though. We were getting irritated with one another at the amusement park. For about 3 hours we were avoiding each other (hard to do) and then he snapped at me and I snapped back. He let out an exasperated scoff and then asked if we could just talk for a moment. We let the group go on ahead and bickered for 5 minutes while strangers with little kids passed us by. But, it was successful! After a few minutes of bickering we both know we WANTED to resolve the issue, and have a good day so we had to buck up, humble ourselves, and figure this out NOW. There was no waiting, our vacation depended on it. We did, we apologized, we expressed our feelings in "I" statements in stead of "you" statements. And we walked back to the group holding hands and although it took another couple hours for the emotions to totally die down, they did die down. We had a great day. We had a great WEEK. We worked hard to stay in-tune, accommodating, and communicative. The day that I started panicking by seeing what would usually be his preference I paid attention to him and to me and realized it was me, that he wasn't triggered, and I was able to surrender and move on.

The reason I wanted to share this is to say out loud, there is HOPE. We have so long to go. He isn't sober (more on what happened after vacation later). However, we are trying. We are working. We are doing so individually and together. Heavenly Father continues to help me humble myself, and see when it is me and when it isn't. I am happy to be here, where I am, married to B. The other day a friend and I were laughing about reporting things that had made us happy that involved our hubs doing things for themselves to protect themselves from triggers. Never would I have thought before marriage that I would be rejoicing over something so strange and silly, but I did rejoice, and I will continue to rejoice over things like that. Surrender, although difficult, is such a better state than trying to control something I can't control. I love my Savior. I love my husband. I have hope for my forever family. Satan will not win.

My opportunity to surrender shameful feelings

I want to share an opportunity I had to surrender feelings of shame.

I am in graduate school. I recently failed an mid-term. I had tried my darndest, studied for over 20 hours, done everything I knew how. I still failed. It presented me with two options 1) Withdraw or 2)Stay in the class.

I was really struggling with what to do. I wrote a pro and con list for withdrawing.

Pros:
1) I don't risk getting a C or D on my transcript, which would lead to academic probation, and a more stressful next semester
2) More time is freed up to focus on my other classes, family, research, and other obligations
3) Save my GPA, which will lead to improved job opportunities after school

Con:
1) Everyone will know. The friends I've made are all in this class. There are only 7 in the class. It will be ALL TO OBVIOUS that I have withdrawn and why. *Read - "Everyone will know I'm stupid*
2) I'll have to take an extra class in a year

As I looked over my list the answer seemed obvious - Withdraw! It wouldn't hurt my job, my grades, my timeline, my family. It would improve my grades in fact, and my stress level. Why was I still having such a hard time deciding? The first reason is I was taught to NEVER quit. So, being a quitter is REALLY hard to do. I felt like if I withdraw I have failed. I have failed at school, I have failed my family, I have failed myself, I am stupid. I should be able to do this. I must be stupid, and I must not belong in this program if I have to withdraw from a class. SO MUCH SHAME.

After a day I named the shame. I recognized it as shame, which I know is not healthy. I did a stupid thing maybe, but I am not a stupid person. Yes, everyone would know, but if I am focused on my goal of  getting this degree to improve my family's situation in the long run then I need to definitely save my GPA, my sanity, and my energies by withdrawing. Shame, and the fear of everyone knowing my shame, is a very powerful motivator.

Elder Uchtdorf's talk about keeping it simple popped in to my head. I surrendered my shame. I told one good friend of my decision, of my grade on the test, and that I just don't have any more to give to this class and it will require a lot more so I need to withdraw. He was totally supportive. As was B and my family.

There is so much power in making decisions despite fear and shame instead of because of fear and shame. Fear and Shame aren't the boss of me!

Good Advice / Bad Advice

We have a vacation coming up. I'm anxious about it because it is somewhere warm and vacation-y during spring break. Mostly, I'm anxious because the last time we were on a vacation together it was not good. It is a pretty bad memory actually. You can read a bit about it here. Anyway, I'm trying to figure out what to do to prepare myself spiritually and emotionally for potential triggers and for the potential that B will get triggered and pull away from me, behave badly, show his resentment toward me.

I want to discuss a little bit of the advice I've received - good and bad.

Good Advice: Affirmations!

I am safe.

I am in control of myself.

I am strong.

I am beautiful and my body is a gift.

I have more to say about affirmations... but that is for another time. I think they will help me stay grounded and focused. 

Bad Advice (for me, for right now): Go to B with my vulnerability to give him the opportunity to be compassionate.

This came from our therapist this week. So, just to clarify, I think this is probably great advice for couples with an addict further in his recovery, and a couple further in their marital recovery. However, we are neither. When we left therapy I was pretty upset but we drove home separately so I had some time to collect my thoughts. So far the advice in therapy has been geared toward B, which is good. However, it has also caused me to give up most of my boundaries to follow the advice we are given. Some things have been good, but I'm still trying to figure out my methods of finding safety. This week, I was advised to not bring up anything to do with our weekly discussion about pornography in order to give B the opportunity to practice his courage and come to me. What about when I need to talk about something? I previously found safety by speaking my truth when I felt like it and needed to do so. But then was told to only speak about anything related to pornography (and therefore my healing) once a week. That was HARD to agree to but we've been doing it. Now, I'm not even supposed to bring it up? I'm just supposed to let him be courageous? When he has proven that he is mostly not courageous?

Anyway, I was upset. When we got home B asked me what I thought of the session. I decided to test the waters - B and I were in a better place together than we have been in a couple months so I thought I'd see if he can be a safe place for my vulnerability. I shared that I was upset, that I felt like my tools are being taken away and I'm being dismissed. I shared that I am SO scared of what will happen on vacation. B clammed up, stopped looking at me, put his hands in his pockets and backed away from me physically, and got upset. It became about him, and how this made him feel, and how it is so hard for him. He then said we should just have our once a week meeting and disclosed two-days-in-a-row acting out this week. Then teh conversation was pretty much over.

So, my answer - B is NOT a safe place for my vulnerability. I want him to be, but he is not. So, that advice is not good for me for now. I will have to find another place to share myself and continue to try and be detached and superficial with my husband.

I'm disappointed. However, I am finding courage for myself in owning my reality and making the effort to try new advice and then making an informed decision about my safety. 

Staying out of the co-dependency

I'm feeling lots of peace today. I'm feeling like I have so much to learn, but I'm at peace with where I am and where we are in the moment.

We had a good mid-week (last post). B had been withdrawn the last couple days and has expressed that he is sad. He slipping into a depressed state which probably means he'll act out. He acted out, (numbed up), and then disclosed, so felt good about a good choice, and had a good couple days. Now he's not feeling good again, I'm sure he is wanting to numb with his drug.

The good in all this is I'm not down because he is down. Me-1 Codependecy-0. Usually I would also try and "fix" little things to make his day easier. I would clean, or do one of his chores, etc. Those are good things to do, but I think they aren't the healthiest thing if I'm doing them to make him feel better when I know it won't really make him feel better. I can do them to be nice, because I love him, or for my own sanity, but not to fix his bad mood. So, I'm not folding laundry, I'm not picking up toys, I'm not neglecting my studies to do these things that won't even make it better. Me - 2 Codependency - 0. I usually would. I've neglected so much work and school to fix his bad moods.

And I'm happy. He's sad. I'm happy. I hope he can be happy in a real way sometime soon.

Could this be progress? Grateful for one day at a time.

I'm not committed to calling it progress, but it is the opposite of a red flag. Maybe a white flag? A white flag to signify a tiny piece of surrendering his addiction?

As I wrote a few days ago we are trying something new - only once a week check-ins which means only talking about anything related to pornography, his addiction, my recovery, his recovery once a week. It has only been two weeks. The first week was crappy. I was mad. I was hurt. I was SO SCARED. It requires me letting go of several of my boundaries. I know this is something we aren't supposed to do - we are supposed to set boundaries and STICK TO THEM! We are supposed to not put our recovery at risk for the addict. I thought that is what I was doing (not convinced otherwise yet actually).

However, I decided to go with it because my bishop and our therapist encouraged this step. They both agreed that right now B is not in a place where he can be totally open, honest, transparent and he is not handling my transparency very well. Not my fault, but this the circumstance. I decided a while ago I am willing to do anything except forsake God to save my marriage. I believe that means I will do anything that I am prompted to do, or not prompted against by the spirit. When the whole "once a week" thing came up and the emotions came up that promise kept playing in my head. Also, I had a moment where I felt very close to the spirit and felt prompted to just go with it despite my fears, and see what happens. This need not be a permanent situation.

The first meeting was not great, but not awful, just very uninformative and short.

The second week has been a little better. I'm trying to trust God, His plan, and if this is His plan for me right now, so be it. B and I grew a little closer, and less contentious during the week because he wasn't so furious with me constantly. I relied on talking to friends, and the Healing Through Christ workbook to get the safety and transparency I want.

Then Wednesday day, the day we are supposed to have "the talk." I was nervous. We actually had a really great day, like best one in a while. I didn't want to have the talk. I didn't want it to be ruined. I had convinced myself to just not bring it up. History has shown that if I don't bring it up, he CERTAINLY won't bring it up.

Then B asked me if we could have our meeting. Okay. He said a prayer. He has to go pee or something so I squeeze in a desperate prayer. Heavenly Father, please help me handle whatever is coming. I don't think I can keep it together, please help me. inthenameofJesusChristamen.

He starts, with a disclosure. He is more specific than usual. Not in a gory details way, in an open and honest way. hmm, this is new, I like it. He answers my few questions. I ask him more about his emotional state before he acted out. He shares with me. He won't look me in the eyes, which is pretty typical behavior for him. Where is my anger? Where is my hurt? Hmm... must be one of those times where it comes later. Why do I feel so peaceful? Why do I feel so close to him? I invite him to come sit by me on the couch as we continue talking. We do. I share with him that I love him, and I give him a hug. I can tell he soaks it in like he desperately needed it. I'm grateful for a post I read the other day about how to support your addict spouse. I'm telling him about things I've learned. He's telling me about things he's learned. He just wants to sit together, and we do. I find the honesty so refreshing and it makes me feel so much closer to B. A small piece of trust has been rebuilt, not all of it, but a small piece.

I tell him he is a good man, and I believe it. He doesn't. His shame is so deeply ingrained. I am mad at his mother, but that doesn't do much good. I talk about the difference between guilt and shame. He nods and wants to believe that this applies to him, that he isn't a bad person. He doesn't believe it, but he wants to believe it.

The "talk" was so filled with vulnerability on both our parts, and honesty, that rather than being drained I am filled with love, peace, and hope. Sometimes I'm reminded that I still love B and there is hope and we have the potential to be great.

Won't you HURRY UP and want me?

I know I've written about this before, but it is on my mind again. The lyric "I want you to want me" plays over and over in my head these days. I've heard more times that I can count in therapy, in discussions, in arguments, in meetings with the bishop, that I am not wanted by my husband. He is not attracted to me emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or physically. He does not like me, he is not sure if he loves me any more. I have changed "and not in a good way." I have heard this so much. It hurts every single time.

Don't get me wrong, it is actually not grating on my sense of worth too much. I have worked hard on that. I know I am wanted by many people - my Savior, my parents, my siblings, my extended family, my best friends. I have fun relationships with my work and school peers. I have so many people who love me and I am so blessed in that regard. I don't want to undermine their love for me, acceptance of me, and support for me.

However, I chose this one person, nearly 6 years ago, to be MY person. The person who I will spend eternity with. I want him to want me. I want him to see my value. I thought I wanted him to remember how he used to feel about me. But I've been told he's never had "tender" feelings toward me. I believe he's felt love for me, but since he's been an addict our entire marriage I also believe that possibly his love for me has never actually matched my love for him. He's resented me our entire marriage for something that happened while we were engaged. He's doubted his decision to marry me our entire marriage because of the same thing. He's liked me some of the time. He's loved me some of the time. But I don't think it has ever been the way I thought my husband would love me before I found him.

This is part of the reason I was SO BADLY for him to recover from his addiction. I have hope that the further away he gets from his addiction (as in the further into recovery) the more he'll be able to see me for me and learn to like me, and even love me. I just want him to HURRY up and love me already!

Something I was once told by a grown married woman really stuck with me. She said that her husband loved her more than she loved him because she recognized that he was able to love more unconditionally due to his level on conversion to the gospel of Christ. She loved him as well as she could, but she knew it didn't match what how he could love her. It didn't make sense to me. It seemed unfair. Now I'm just impressed by her honesty, vulnerability, and keen self-inspection. I feel I am on the flip side of that. I undoubtedly love my husband more than he does me, he has said so as well. I'm just not sure what to do with the constant reminding of that fact.

As we left therapy yesterday I was PISSED because I felt B had been completely dishonest in his representation of me and I hadn't had time to address it, and because I'd been reminded yet again of his lack of feelings toward me. I couldn't speak, I could hardly breathe, I was so mad. I looked out the window for the 30 min drive home and fluctuated between praying and seething. Then the Holy Ghost reminded me that the Savior knows. He knows the truth, which is probably somewhere between my story and B's story. And He knows that I am worth loving. He knows the desire of my heart. He knows that I want so badly to be wanted by my husband but that I am not. He also knows the end from the beginning. If I do my best, and strive for perfection, I will be saved and have eternal life. Which means someday I will have a partner who WANTS me. I hope that partner is B. If that is what I want, and it is, then I have to work on my own heart, to forgive him of the wrongs so that I can be the other half of that celestial partnership. Someday B will be the husband I have always wanted, and someday I'll be the woman he wants too.

Trying Something New

I'm not sure how to fully understand or process so I'm going to word-vomit all over this post.

The other day B and I had a pretty big fight. Little things led to big anger. We ended up having a long discussion and were making progress toward at least being cordial but a sticking point came up. Basically, he is hopeless right now. As a result he feels that it is unfair of me to expect him to be free of pornography and masturbation at some point. He wants there to be room for him to try but never succeed in achieving sobriety and recovery. He is SO scared that he can't get there, that it will never happen. When I told him that I have the right to expect fidelity in my marriage he flew off the handle a bit. He doesn't like the language that labels his actions as unfaithful, cheating, not having fidelity, etc. He says that is shaming and belittling him, and maybe it is. I haven't decided. To me it seems like telling the truth and calling an apple and apple.

Anyway, we ended up talking to our bishop last night. It was hard. The conclusion was we will have an appointed time each week to discuss pornography, the act outs, the emotions, the triggers, etc. We won't discuss it outside of that time with each other. This came about because B feels like that has become all we ever talk about it is taking a toll on our relationship. He doesn't like me anymore, and barely loves me because that is all there is to our relationship and there needs to be more of what builds up a relationship. So, contrary to several of my boundaries I agreed to try a once a week check-in.

I just don't know how I feel about it. On one side it could be good. We have been pretty far apart and it hurts really badly knowing he doesn't find me "emotionally or mentally attractive" at all (not to mention physically). I have been crying myself to sleep more nights than I don't. A few days ago as I was sobbing uncontrollably on the bathroom floor (so I was close to the toilet, crying leads to coughing which leads to vomiting) I thought to myself, "This isn't you. You aren't someone who cries all the time. You are someone who can process her emotions and be logical. You are put-together, and strong. What has happened to you?" So, maybe my boundaries aren't working like I want them to work and I need to reset? Maybe I'm asking for too much information (although I only ask for disclosure, and I NEVER ask what it was, just what device and when). Maybe I really do just need to back up, back off, go to anyone else when I need to talk or have something I want to say. Maybe with space he'll like me again. Maybe with space he'll take care of his own crap?

Then again, maybe my boundaries are working. The times I cry are the times he makes it very clear he doesn't want me, at least not that day. The times I cry are the times I see, all too clearly, that he is in the grips of his addiction and not coming out of it any time soon. The times I cry aren't the times that I share something I learned with him, or the times I talk about the societal problem of pornography. The times I cry are the times I have no idea what is going on and whether or not I'm being used. Not being able to ask about what he has or hasn't viewed, or bring up my fears about what he has or hasn't viewed doesn't seem very productive to my emotional health.

I just have so much fear about this plan. I fear that I'll live in a constant state of worry. I fear that he'll act out and then come sleep next to me, or we'll be intimate when I wouldn't do that if I knew he'd just viewed pornography. I fear it won't change a damn thing about his addiction like he thinks it will but it will deplete me, and take me backwards in my recovery, and when it all comes out I'll feel that much more betrayed. I fear that in those weekly meetings he still won't be honest. I fear that he will tell me he acted out on such-and-such a day and I'll review the entire day after for signs, and I won't find them and I'll feel SO STUPID for not knowing. I fear that I'm enabling.

I fear that I'm letting him get away with it. I realize, that a lot of these fears are because it is forcing me to let go of the facade that I had any control in the first place. Because if I let my guard down, and abandon so many of these boundaries, and I don't talk about anything porn related ALL WEEK then surely he won't even think about trying to recover! If I am not bringing it up, he'll forget that it is bad and a problem that he needs to be working on! If I am not being open and honest with him at all times then he'll think I'm okay with it, when I am not okay with it, and he won't understand just how much he hurts me! - I know all of this is unhealthy and incorrect thinking, I think- It seems that I have been in some way passive aggressively trying to manipulate him into recovery? Maybe all this talk, while it has given me some peace, it has been a false peace, one that isn't based in him changing but in me asserting control of the situation that I really have no control over??

Maybe it is okay to not be so open with B about all this has done, and does to me. I fear anything that resembles hiding and secrecy SO MUCH. So NOT talking about whatever I am thinking or feeling feels like hiding and it makes me so anxious. I'm not supposed to talk about when I'm triggered by a commercial or pop-up. I'm not supposed to talk about this great article I read that taught me something about my recovery. I'm not supposed to talk about how I'm worried about raising a son in this day in age and when he'll be exposed to pornography. I'm not supposed to talk about being worried about my brother. But maybe I can and should find other people/methods for expressing all of this and B doesn't have to be my person? I fear that will take us farther apart, but maybe it won't, maybe it will allow room for us to grow together in the other stuff?

Maybe it is okay if he never understands how much he has hurt me. (This actually scares me a lot. The idea that he can cause SO MUCH hurt, and not understand how much hurt he caused, seems so wrong to me and that scares me) Maybe it is enough that my Savior DOES understand how much I am hurt, have been hurt, and have tried to get over the hurt. The Savior does understand that B is lying to himself when he believes the harm is done by telling me, rather than by the action itself. The Savior won't let him "get away with it" and eventually B will be held accountable for his sins. We are expected to do our best. And maybe with the hand B has been dealt this has been his best. I have hope that there is better in the future, but maybe, just maybe, for now it has been his best with whatever emotional trauma he is hiding under all this addiction. Maybe this new arrangement will force me to dig even deeper for a relationship with my Savior and a release from the bondage of the devil - that bondage being fear. This will grow my patience, and long-suffering, and unconditional love even more perhaps. Perhaps as I strive to remain safe, and healthy emotionally and spiritually without the methods I have been employing I will gain a greater understanding of the gospel, of charity, and of my purpose.

I don't know. There are lots of maybes and question marks in this post. I'm still processing. Any advice from you all would be great. Maybe I'll figure it out. Maybe now that I got all this down I'll be able to focus on my homework.