Could this be progress? Grateful for one day at a time.

I'm not committed to calling it progress, but it is the opposite of a red flag. Maybe a white flag? A white flag to signify a tiny piece of surrendering his addiction?

As I wrote a few days ago we are trying something new - only once a week check-ins which means only talking about anything related to pornography, his addiction, my recovery, his recovery once a week. It has only been two weeks. The first week was crappy. I was mad. I was hurt. I was SO SCARED. It requires me letting go of several of my boundaries. I know this is something we aren't supposed to do - we are supposed to set boundaries and STICK TO THEM! We are supposed to not put our recovery at risk for the addict. I thought that is what I was doing (not convinced otherwise yet actually).

However, I decided to go with it because my bishop and our therapist encouraged this step. They both agreed that right now B is not in a place where he can be totally open, honest, transparent and he is not handling my transparency very well. Not my fault, but this the circumstance. I decided a while ago I am willing to do anything except forsake God to save my marriage. I believe that means I will do anything that I am prompted to do, or not prompted against by the spirit. When the whole "once a week" thing came up and the emotions came up that promise kept playing in my head. Also, I had a moment where I felt very close to the spirit and felt prompted to just go with it despite my fears, and see what happens. This need not be a permanent situation.

The first meeting was not great, but not awful, just very uninformative and short.

The second week has been a little better. I'm trying to trust God, His plan, and if this is His plan for me right now, so be it. B and I grew a little closer, and less contentious during the week because he wasn't so furious with me constantly. I relied on talking to friends, and the Healing Through Christ workbook to get the safety and transparency I want.

Then Wednesday day, the day we are supposed to have "the talk." I was nervous. We actually had a really great day, like best one in a while. I didn't want to have the talk. I didn't want it to be ruined. I had convinced myself to just not bring it up. History has shown that if I don't bring it up, he CERTAINLY won't bring it up.

Then B asked me if we could have our meeting. Okay. He said a prayer. He has to go pee or something so I squeeze in a desperate prayer. Heavenly Father, please help me handle whatever is coming. I don't think I can keep it together, please help me. inthenameofJesusChristamen.

He starts, with a disclosure. He is more specific than usual. Not in a gory details way, in an open and honest way. hmm, this is new, I like it. He answers my few questions. I ask him more about his emotional state before he acted out. He shares with me. He won't look me in the eyes, which is pretty typical behavior for him. Where is my anger? Where is my hurt? Hmm... must be one of those times where it comes later. Why do I feel so peaceful? Why do I feel so close to him? I invite him to come sit by me on the couch as we continue talking. We do. I share with him that I love him, and I give him a hug. I can tell he soaks it in like he desperately needed it. I'm grateful for a post I read the other day about how to support your addict spouse. I'm telling him about things I've learned. He's telling me about things he's learned. He just wants to sit together, and we do. I find the honesty so refreshing and it makes me feel so much closer to B. A small piece of trust has been rebuilt, not all of it, but a small piece.

I tell him he is a good man, and I believe it. He doesn't. His shame is so deeply ingrained. I am mad at his mother, but that doesn't do much good. I talk about the difference between guilt and shame. He nods and wants to believe that this applies to him, that he isn't a bad person. He doesn't believe it, but he wants to believe it.

The "talk" was so filled with vulnerability on both our parts, and honesty, that rather than being drained I am filled with love, peace, and hope. Sometimes I'm reminded that I still love B and there is hope and we have the potential to be great.