Won't you HURRY UP and want me?

I know I've written about this before, but it is on my mind again. The lyric "I want you to want me" plays over and over in my head these days. I've heard more times that I can count in therapy, in discussions, in arguments, in meetings with the bishop, that I am not wanted by my husband. He is not attracted to me emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or physically. He does not like me, he is not sure if he loves me any more. I have changed "and not in a good way." I have heard this so much. It hurts every single time.

Don't get me wrong, it is actually not grating on my sense of worth too much. I have worked hard on that. I know I am wanted by many people - my Savior, my parents, my siblings, my extended family, my best friends. I have fun relationships with my work and school peers. I have so many people who love me and I am so blessed in that regard. I don't want to undermine their love for me, acceptance of me, and support for me.

However, I chose this one person, nearly 6 years ago, to be MY person. The person who I will spend eternity with. I want him to want me. I want him to see my value. I thought I wanted him to remember how he used to feel about me. But I've been told he's never had "tender" feelings toward me. I believe he's felt love for me, but since he's been an addict our entire marriage I also believe that possibly his love for me has never actually matched my love for him. He's resented me our entire marriage for something that happened while we were engaged. He's doubted his decision to marry me our entire marriage because of the same thing. He's liked me some of the time. He's loved me some of the time. But I don't think it has ever been the way I thought my husband would love me before I found him.

This is part of the reason I was SO BADLY for him to recover from his addiction. I have hope that the further away he gets from his addiction (as in the further into recovery) the more he'll be able to see me for me and learn to like me, and even love me. I just want him to HURRY up and love me already!

Something I was once told by a grown married woman really stuck with me. She said that her husband loved her more than she loved him because she recognized that he was able to love more unconditionally due to his level on conversion to the gospel of Christ. She loved him as well as she could, but she knew it didn't match what how he could love her. It didn't make sense to me. It seemed unfair. Now I'm just impressed by her honesty, vulnerability, and keen self-inspection. I feel I am on the flip side of that. I undoubtedly love my husband more than he does me, he has said so as well. I'm just not sure what to do with the constant reminding of that fact.

As we left therapy yesterday I was PISSED because I felt B had been completely dishonest in his representation of me and I hadn't had time to address it, and because I'd been reminded yet again of his lack of feelings toward me. I couldn't speak, I could hardly breathe, I was so mad. I looked out the window for the 30 min drive home and fluctuated between praying and seething. Then the Holy Ghost reminded me that the Savior knows. He knows the truth, which is probably somewhere between my story and B's story. And He knows that I am worth loving. He knows the desire of my heart. He knows that I want so badly to be wanted by my husband but that I am not. He also knows the end from the beginning. If I do my best, and strive for perfection, I will be saved and have eternal life. Which means someday I will have a partner who WANTS me. I hope that partner is B. If that is what I want, and it is, then I have to work on my own heart, to forgive him of the wrongs so that I can be the other half of that celestial partnership. Someday B will be the husband I have always wanted, and someday I'll be the woman he wants too.