Wednesday, August 16, 2017

What Do I Do With The Hole in My Heart?

I have not been very good about blogging, except when I am in deep pain. I need to do better, because some days are better, and some days are happy and hopeful and peaceful and fun. But I have busy with life and children and graduate school (only a few more weeks!!) and a recent move and a sister's wedding, so this has not been a priority.

We are still at a stand still. My husband, for the last couple months, refuses to tell me anything about recovery or sobriety. I decided for now the boundaries I am enforcing is I will not be sexual involved with someone who is not sexually sober. I will not be sexually involved with you when you refuse to give me the information I want to assist in feeling safe. Since he isn't telling I don't know if he is sober and I will default to the assumption that he is not sober.

Yesterday we had a long discussion. We shared a lot. I went ahead and shared and opened up. It was met with kindness and then within a few moments he was calmly trying to convince me why I was wrong and he was right.

So today I have this big gaping hole in my heart that is spilling emotion, pain, betrayal, hurt, anger, resentment, and heartache into my entire body. I can hardly breathe. I fluctuate between focusing on work, and taking a break to sob and try to catch my breath. The discussion opened up old wounds,  pulled scabs off of nearly healed wounds, and inflicted some new wounds.

I know what to do, I've been here before, I can get through it again. But part of the process is to feel the pain, lean into it, and go through it rather than around it. That is me today, wading through the pain, barely moving, but moving none-the-less. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at a time. The Savior will help me through this and I know He has sent angels to help me as well. I can feel their help and encouragement if I listen closely.

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