I think I wrote about how much anxiety a pending vacation was causing me last month. As the vacation approached I asked B if he had a game plan for dealing with the potential triggers. I asked if we could make a game plan for us to meet the potential triggers and contention during the week. We agreed to be open and communicate as soon as we started to feel some contention beginning. Typically when B gets triggered he starts resenting me for something minor and becoming less patient. He agreed to not let that fester. When he is around a large group of people he tends to feel left out, which brings up negative emotions from all the way back to his childhood. Knowing we were staying a house with lots of people, and lots of adults, we decided on game plan for if he was feeling unheard an I went in very aware of trying to be inclusive and attentive. We talked calmly and did the best we could to make a safety plan to ensure our vacation is a success.
Day 2 of vacation it was put to the test. B followed through though. We were getting irritated with one another at the amusement park. For about 3 hours we were avoiding each other (hard to do) and then he snapped at me and I snapped back. He let out an exasperated scoff and then asked if we could just talk for a moment. We let the group go on ahead and bickered for 5 minutes while strangers with little kids passed us by. But, it was successful! After a few minutes of bickering we both know we WANTED to resolve the issue, and have a good day so we had to buck up, humble ourselves, and figure this out NOW. There was no waiting, our vacation depended on it. We did, we apologized, we expressed our feelings in "I" statements in stead of "you" statements. And we walked back to the group holding hands and although it took another couple hours for the emotions to totally die down, they did die down. We had a great day. We had a great WEEK. We worked hard to stay in-tune, accommodating, and communicative. The day that I started panicking by seeing what would usually be his preference I paid attention to him and to me and realized it was me, that he wasn't triggered, and I was able to surrender and move on.
The reason I wanted to share this is to say out loud, there is HOPE. We have so long to go. He isn't sober (more on what happened after vacation later). However, we are trying. We are working. We are doing so individually and together. Heavenly Father continues to help me humble myself, and see when it is me and when it isn't. I am happy to be here, where I am, married to B. The other day a friend and I were laughing about reporting things that had made us happy that involved our hubs doing things for themselves to protect themselves from triggers. Never would I have thought before marriage that I would be rejoicing over something so strange and silly, but I did rejoice, and I will continue to rejoice over things like that. Surrender, although difficult, is such a better state than trying to control something I can't control. I love my Savior. I love my husband. I have hope for my forever family. Satan will not win.
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