Forming My Boundaries

Boundaries have been floating around in my head a lot lately. The first time I set boundaries there were two and it was HARD. I had reached such a low point, so weak and broken and I knew I had to do something to regain my sense of safety. I had of course heard of boundaries and read about them so while I was at work one day I pretty much spent the entire day coming up with my first two boundaries. The first wasn't really a boundary, just a statement that I needed to take sex off the table for a while so I could ponder within myself why I desire sex and make sure my motivations were pure and connection-driven. So the boundary was just for me. The second boundary was that If I feel the need to get help and talk to someone, I will. This was the one that caused the problem. His sense of privacy was challenged, his sense of control over who knows was blown out of the water. On top of that this was about 3 weeks before we moved to where my father would be our ecclesiastical leader. So, if I felt I needed to talk to my ecclesiastical leader I would also be talking to my father - his father-in-law. Yikes! I understand why that was scary for him to hear.

Anyway, I tearfully, and shakily stated my boundaries. He yelled some and argued. I held my ground and then went and called my one friend that knows of my situation and just sobbed huge, loud, uncontrollable sobs for about 20 minutes. She patiently listened and waited for me to talk. Bless this woman, she is so smart and she is quite logical and to the point which is one of the things I love most about her. She told me that it is okay to change my mind if the boundaries don't make me feel safe and that I would know if they are right by whether or not they help me feel safe and grounded. Sure enough, the next day I felt a million times better. And a small piece of confidence was instilled in my heart that I didn't have before.

That was nearly 3 months ago. In the past week I have been all over the board emotionally. I have been filled with debilitating fear of a relapse coming. I have been hurt when it did come. I have been angry, sad, frustrated, lonely, filled with despair, sure I was going to kick him out, and sure I was going to stay. Crazy train was going full-steam ahead. So I thought more about boundaries and detaching. I read more about them. One thing I read somewhere (I can't remember where) said that the spouse's boundaries will depend somewhat of their self-esteem and self-worth. That really struck me. It sunk into my heart. We're taught that we have to teach people how to treat us. Well, as far as I could tell I'd taught B how to treat me - and it wasn't something I was very proud of. There is room for growth and love and acceptance but I had been an enabler by taking all the hurt in and letting it destroy my heart and self-esteem without setting up boundaries to protect myself. Boundaries are there to protect myself and in a way to protect him from himself. When he is in addict mode it is NOT fun and he says and does hurtful things. If I take care of myself and set up boundaries I am taking responsibility for my actions and my response to his actions. It doesn't excuse his behavior but boundaries help me behave better, take charge of myself and my stability, and my happiness. I realized I'm worth it. I'm worth fighting for. I'm worth standing up for. I'm worth setting boundaries for, to protect myself, and my son (because a crazy mom does NO good for a baby).

So I did it! I typed up my rights and the associated boundaries. I then wrote them down because the printer wasn't working. I read them to B and I stuck to them and didn't go into co-dependent back-track mode. I didn't get pulled into the drama triangle when he started disagreeing, blaming, and hurting. When he played the victim I didn't try and rescue him. When he played the persecutor I didn't act the victim.

It was a rough night but I felt free. I felt happy. I felt at peace. All of that helps me to know I did the right thing. The boundaries may change in the future as my needs change and our marriage changes but for now they are good and helpful and solid and I'm so happy I did it.