Well Crap - that link was NOT what I thought

I was lied to this morning. I asked what time he came to bed - he said 11 pm. I was up at 1:30 am with the baby and he wasn't in bed at that point. I called him on it, he said he really thought it was 11 pm and he must have fallen asleep on the couch longer than he realized. I'm not sure whether I believe him.

Then I thought of a funny diddy from the movie "Pillow Talk" that says, (singing) "You lied, you dog. And you'll be sooorrry. You lied, you dog, and you will pay." or something like that. I went to look it up, found a video, clicked on the link and there were porn thumbnails EVERYWHERE. Like, surrounding the entire video were thumbnails of nearly naked women. Large thumbnails. This movie is from the 1960s!!! It is a Doris Day movie for goodness sake! It can't get much more clean than that and it was in the middle of a freakin' porn treasure trove. I'm so angry. That is NOT what I was looking for. So, the minor trigger of a possible lie has now turned into full blown anger and we have our first couples counseling session today with a new counselor. I'm anxious about that anyway because the one time we've gone before many years ago was not a good experience.

Well crap, now I have to work my way out of the mud back into the light. I don't like being in the mud.

This time the "off" feeling was definitely me

Last night I was feeling, or beginning to feel lots of negative emotions. I was sure B is not being truthful, I was angry at him for that, I was sad, I was lonely... the list goes on. I was not where I wanted to be emotionally or spiritually. I was wasting time on my computer, B was behind me working on his. The emotions were getting stronger. I became frustrated that the good week we've been having might come to an end. Gah - just stop you stupid brain!! Just shut up and let me be still!!

Then I remembered the story Rhyll Croshaw shares about knowing something was off and first checking herself to see if it was her before she asked her husband about what was up. So, I went through my day in my head. Wow, it was a triggerful day!

There was an old movie (I'm talking black and white) on and I DESPISED the main guy. As part of that time period I guess he got away with TOTALLY forcing himself into her (the main girl's) apartment, forcing kisses on her, being a TOTAL TOOL, and in the end she still chose him over the respectable, kind, gentle man who also wanted her. Seriously, I didn't watch the entire thing but it was on while I was in and out.

This is the total tool after he stood up the girl who still chose him.  Yeah, those flowers - from the OTHER guy and Mr. Tool just took oen and put it in his lapel. Maybe my anger is too strong since it is a fictional character from a 70 year old movie, but still, I really really dislike this guy. Also, did I mention there was a chorus line, and she was the lead chorus girl? The gentlemen's club for high society 1940's equivalent that was apparently totally fine and acceptable? Gah, stupid movie. The movie is "A Yank in the R.A.F." just so you know never to watch it.

There were some sexualized commercials. There were some tasteless jokes by my brother. There was the evening before where B and my brother had been as a sporting event and my brother came home talking about how great it was to see all the scantily clad girl athletes. Then it ended with The Bachelor. This episode one of the big moments was one of the final four women telling Chris about her posing for playboy, and making a video for playboy, and then it showed them looking at the pictures and watching the video together in a crummy hotel room. SO AWKWARD. Dim blue light from laptop screen on faces, crappy music from the video, and Chris giggling awkwardly.

So, in review, my day was full of things that grated against my soul and heart as just wrong. It was a miracle I hadn't cracked earlier in the day! I realized that maybe it wasn't B this time. Maybe me feeling off was ME and not him and I needed to get myself together. It is always hard to convince myself to do things to change my mood when I want to just sit and fester and be angry with B. It is so much easier to blame someone else for our bad behavior or moods. But alas, I knew it wasn't him this time. As I continued wasting time on pinterest there were about 5 quotes/affirmations in a row that said something to the effect of we can choose our actions, we need to choose the Lord, make Him our anchor, stuff like that. Message received - I need to up my spiritual game for the evening to get out of this mess.

So I read my scriptures. It wasn't super enlightening. I read them with a little bit of angst and boredom to be honest. But I did it. I read them, and after one chapter I didn't feel any better so I kept reading. After a few more chapters I began to see a light at the end of the tunnel. B informed me he was staying up late to work, which scared me and caused some anxiety but I didn't trust myself to handle a conversation about that very well. So I said a prayer and went to bed.

This morning I woke up and my heart is lighter. I was rejuvenated and have been very productive. It worked. I started experiencing negative emotions, I assessed the cause, saw that it was me, and although I didn't feel like it I reached out for the gospel. I reached for my Savior's hand as I was falling into the water weighed down by my fear. He caught me. He will always catch me. 

Obedience, Hope, and Faith all in one verse!

I was reading in the Book of Mormon this morning, Alma Chapter 25 and verse 16 really spoke to me. It reads:

"Now they did not suppose that salvation came by the law of Moses; but the law of Moses did serve to strengthen their faith in Christ; and thus they did retain a hope through faith, unto eternal salvation, relaying upon the spirit of prophecy, which spake of those things to come."

This chapter is talking about the Anti-Nephi-Lehis (who were previously known as Lamanites) who have been converted to the gospel by the sons of Mosiah (you know, those trouble makers who were with Alma the Younger when he saw an angel). The Anti-Nephi-Lehis have been attacked by the Lamanites, but did not fight back because of their promise to God. Many were killed but even more were converted and joined the Anit-Nephi-Lehis. The people are industrious and striving to cling to the gospel.

I think I sometimes fall into the trap of the pharisee where I believe the salvation comes by obedience. If we follow the law, we are saved. While this can be true, it is not the whole picture and I love how this scripture expounds on it to give us a more full idea of the reason for obedience. The Anti-Nephi-Lehis were pretty wise. They followed the Law of Moses but they knew that salvation did not come by obedience alone. The purpose of the laws was to "strengthen their faith in Christ" and through their increased faith they were blessed with HOPE of eternal salvation. Faith in Christ is the important factor, it is strengthened by obedience and it leads to hope!

I want HOPE. A heart full of hope is so much better than a heart full of heartache, pain, anger, sadness, and loneliness. This scripture outlines how to have  hope - be obedient and your faith will be strengthened and you'll have hope. I know the pain and heartache and trial will still come, as they did for these people who had over 1,000 of their members die at the hand of who used to be their bretheren. But they were able to retain hope.

I'm not saying this is the only way to strengthen our faith, but it surely is one of the ways and a very good way. I'm so grateful for personal revelation. I am comforted by the fact that I can seek out my own relationship with God. I don't have to go through anyone but my Savior. My relationship with Heavenly Father and my Savior is only dependent on my own choices, my willingness to obey and to open my heart and mind. We have so much power to change ourselves. Our Savior already paid the price of our eternal salvation. We have the potential to become like our Heavenly Father - truly like him! And the ONLY person that can prevent that is US. Each of us is in charge of our own destiny, truly. We have the power, we just have to decide how to use that power.

Love While You Wait

Today in Sacrament meeting something one of the speakers said really touched me. She was speaking about patience and forgiveness as necessary for charity to grow.

"Patience is having love while you wait for others to grow."

My heart is so full today. I have had so many mixed feelings this week about the role of patience, love, charity, and the like in a marriage to an addict. I know about enabling, boundaries, safety, addiction, lies. I believe all those things I've learned. I also know about patience, and unconditional love, and charity, and I believe in those virtues as well. I feel it is a hard balance to strike to be patient, loving, kind, and have boundaries, and not enable, and keep yourself safe from an addict. At times the principles seem positively contradictory. I don't have all the answers. I don't even have the answers for myself.

But today I have my answer for this moment. Heavenly Father impressed upon me today that patience is having love while you wait for others to grow. For this moment, I need to work on my patience. I need to see the good. I need to focus on what IS going well rather than what isn't. I need to let God take care of B and be still. B might still destroy himself, and our family with it. But for today, for this moment, just staying and loving is what I need to work on doing.

It is hard to wait for others to grow. It is hard to be on the cutting edge of others mistakes. We have all been there, for lots of different reasons. Usually we can just minimize our exposure to those who are hurting us by not going out of our way to see them. In marriage it is more difficult because we LIVE together and are trying to have a marriage after all. Am I waiting patiently for B to grow? Am I relying on my Savior and trusting in His plan for me? Am I trusting in His plan for my son, that may or may not include married parents? Am I trusting in His plan for B? How am I showing that trust? Am I growing and learning? I am not except from the need for growth, so am I doing it? Am I evaluating myself, and asking the Lord to show me my weaknesses so that I get down to the hard work of improving myself?

I feel a bit like I am rambling. Here is my point - Christ lives. The Savior of the world lives, and loves each of us and is aware of each of us. He is aware of me and my heartache. He is aware of B and B's struggles. Today, he reminded me that He is aware of me by impressing upon my mind something that matters, something that I can apply, and something that is pertinent to my life. For me, for right now, I will work on loving B while I wait for him to grow.

Music is a Tender Mercy

Music is so wonderful and can speak to my heart on days when nothing else can get through. Lately I'm LOVING Katy Perry's "Roar." 

I'm so grateful for the wonderful women who have gone before me and are forging a path through this darkness that others can follow. There was a thread on a facebook community I'm a part of that gave song suggestions for WoPAs and it has helped me get through this week. I know I'll use the music as a part of my life for a long time to come so I'm just grateful today. 

Thank you lady friends for sharing in your struggle, your ups and downs, your faith and doubts, your path that others may learn, feel validation, know they aren't alone, grow, and find their own path.

Implementing Boundaries and The Principle of Reaping What You Sow

My last post was pretty down. I was pretty down. It was therapeutic to get it all out. I want to feel safe. I realized during the day that partly what I had done was not stick to my boundaries when the most recent lie came out. I immediately started trying to make him feel better at the expense of my own sanity. I held on for a couple days but the trauma magnified and I became lost. I lost my footing, my path, and my sanity.

There was some pretty intense praying yesterday and lots of digging deep. If I had neglected my boundaries I really needed to put some in place now to reestablish my safety zone (emotionally speaking). All the way home on my commute I was contemplating what to say to B. I decided on 2 important things - there needed to be a physical separation of sleeping apart for a time in order for me to heal more fully from my most recent betrayal and there needed to be a halt on all sex until I could trust him again.

This second one was big for me folks. It is SO OBVIOUS and everyone knows that trust must be earned back once it has been broken. We all know this. When someone shows you who they are, believe them right?  B had showed me over the past couple months he was not capable of being completely truthful where his addiction is concerned. So, why, OH WHY did I keep trusting him? After each find I would take a couple days and then just trust him again. I would believe that I finally had the whole truth, and now I must really know everything. Two weeks go by and BAM, something else, on now I must really know EVERYTHING. Trust. Time. BAM - MORE HIDDEN THINGS UNCOVERED.

Well, I've lost count but maybe this time is the charm. I actually gave myself permission on the way home to NOT trust him when it comes to the addiction. I long ago stopped believing he was not going to look at porn again but for some reason I kept believing he was telling me the full extent of his addiction. I don't know why, rose colored glasses? I never gave myself permission to not trust him because I was scared that not trusting meant something dreadful. It might mean the marriage is over, or trust could never be regained, or that it is worse than I can even know. I was scared that not trusting him made me a bad wife. I wasn't giving him the benefit of the doubt or being charitable. I give myself permission to NOT trust him. I give him permission to EARN my trust back rather than have it handed to him. I told him that he must earn my trust back if he wants it. I told him sex was off the table until that point. I told him we are sleeping apart for a week for me to continue to heal from the betrayal of the lies. It didn't go well, but it could have gone worse. He reacted like an addict, who has been caught, and who doesn't want to face his own reality. This is fine, because that is the place he is in and I can't really expect more than that.

Then something wonderful happened - I felt the burden I'd been carrying around for the past while lift off my shoulders and I could almost see it land on him. The burden of trust is on the person with whom it belongs. If he behaves in a trustworthy manner I will give him my trust back, but not before he has shown efforts in behaving that way.

I know this addiction is SO MUCH for the addict. It is also SO MUCH for the spouse. I feel like he is constantly piling crap on me that I have to sort through and dig out of and clean up from (I LOVE Harriet's post about this imagery). Well, yesterday I got out of the pile and shoved ALL THAT SHIT right back on him. It is his mess to deal with, he has to deal with it. I'm doing neither of us any favors by trying to take some of his crap on myself and get buried by it. It just seemed like I was finally getting out of the way of the principle of reaping what you sow. It felt good.

The other miracle? When I got out of the way and put all that crap back on him it freed me from the chains of despair, bitterness, blame, anger, confusion, and frustration that were tying me down with much more force than I realized. (*mote and beam people*) I was so consumed I couldn't see which way was up and I didn't even know it. I was finally able to see B, and know that I had just piled a bunch of crap on him, and love him and want him to find his way out, but NOT want to rescue him from it. I was able to love him more fully and clearly because I wasn't trying to sort through stuff that wasn't mine. My negative feelings toward him dissipated completely because I finally had done what I had been directed to do for myself by the Savior and was filled with His peace and love.

I'm not saying I'm perfect and I know I won't be able to stay here forever, but I just wanted to write about it. In this moment I an content. My marriage is on the brink of disaster, my husband is in full fledged addict mode and I'm not sure if he can dig himself out any time soon, I still have that daggum rash, but I have peace. I have the companionship of the spirit of the Lord and it is sweet, and kind, and I am not alone.

I Want To Feel Safe

About a week ago I discovered another lie of deliberate omission by my husband. It was the most recent in a round of one ever few weeks since maybe mid-November. I've lost count I just know that for a few months now, for the first time in our marriage, I've actually caught lies. For a while I was okay getting over them in a decent amount of time. Then I started questioning why I'm finding so many. I still believe maybe the Lord saw fit that it was time I knew a little more of the truth.

For the last week I've been trying the "fake it til you make it" route on trusting B. I thought that if I could just move on and act like I trust him and force myself to believe him then I would and I'd be able to skip on the trauma mode portion of the cycle. I've not done a good job. I have asked EVERY SINGLE day if he's looked at anything, which is WAY out of my norm. I usually don't ask, I expect him to tell me. And the asking isn't helping because when he says "No" I immediately think, "Yeah, right, you're lying, asshole."

Turns out you can't force trust. Turns out this lie might have been the straw that broke the camel's back as far as some serious boundary considering. I'm considering having him move out of the bedroom. I've implemented a couple nights apart plenty of times for acting out and lying. I've never actually made it a quasi-permanent situation. I'm not sure if I want to. It is the boundary I first thought of when this happened a week ago but I have been going back and forth because I don't know if it is because that would make me feel more safe or I want to punish him.

I want to feel safe. I also want to punish him. In the moment I want him to hurt like I do. I want him to FEEL. I want to break him like has broken me. I want him to see all my worth and know that he's nearly lost me. I want him to actually CARE about something more than pornography. I want him to actually get his work done and help support us financially in the way he is supposed to be doing. I want him to ask me on a damn date. I want him to fall over himself making it up to me. I want him to go to meetings, and read books, and do the steps. And therein lies my problem. Aside from the first one, all these things are for HIM to do and I can't force HIM to do anything. 

So, back to the first one. I want to feel safe. How do I feel safe if I can't trust my spouse to simply tell the truth. There have been so many times he assured me I know everything. The lies that I've uncovered so far haven't been things worse in nature than what I already knew. In fact they are all a little less bad in nature but they are still acting in his addiction and they were all kept from me because "they aren't all the way acting out." So the women weren't FULLY nude. Or it was just "dancing." Or, it is "reference" for his art. Or I wasn't told because it is "better" that he didn't hurt me so much by telling me.

I need to take control of my life back from this stupid addiction. I want to feel safe. But how?