After three days of sleeping apart (on night three he volunteered to take the couch). I told him that I'd be okay sleeping in the same bed.
I said this because I felt like any longer and I would be doing it to punish him rather than to heal myself... I'm not okay, but it was just the next step I felt to take. He told me he'll sleep on the couch again because he wants to maintain feeling like he is in control of his life. Based on lots of past discussion this means, I think, that he is sleeping on the couch to maintain his feeling of control because if he came to bed when I said it was okay then I am controlling him and manipulating him.
In a strange turn of events this threw me just as much as his initial disclosure. Really?? I'm saying I'm ready to start repairing and you tell me, no, it has to be on my timetable - I am the one in charge here.
I'm just tired of this. I'm tired of his manipulation. I'm tired of him not caring at all for the damage he has done to me or us. He is trying to recover, up until a few months ago I would say he was in solid recovery. However, time and time again when I express what will help me trust him he refuses. He does check-ins each week, as asked, which was a compromise from every day. But he still throws a fit about them if given the opportunity, he feels coerced and like they are unfair. I want to know if he acts out, if he slips, and where he was and where the kids were when it happened. NO other information is asked. But that is TOO much. He won't do it, because it is none of my business, thank you very much.
He doesn't do anything extra to show he cares if I am in the slightest bit of pain or if I am not 100% connected. If we are connected he is sweet and caring and can be thoughtful. If anything has upset me all efforts on his part cease. And it just leaves me feeling more and more alone and more and more like he only does nice things when it suits him and only cares about me if I am on my best behavior.
I'm tired. I don't know how much longer I can do this. Today is a sad day. Maybe tomorrow will be better.