Last night B chose to tell my mother about his addiction. This is a HUGE step for him, and he made the decision 100% on his own. We are living with my folks so having her know will certainly make trying to get to meetings easier.
Before he told her I knew he was considering it and I was looking forward to possibly having some added support but I was also very anxious because she is very much a mama-bear and I was aware that her reaction could have been one that shamed him and got really protective of me. To her credit, that was not her reaction. I wasn't part of the conversation but he said she hugged him, asked if I was aware when we got married, and was supportive.
Interestingly, my reaction is not at all what I anticipated. I was the one who has gotten really anxious now that she knows. What is she thinking? What does she think of me? How will this change things? Is she going to use it against him in an argument? Is she going to pester me with advice? Does she think I chose poorly? yada yada.
I made myself available for her to ask questions later in the evening. Of all the things to ask she said, "Is it awkward?" I wasn't sure what she meant. She meant, is it awkward when you know he's viewed porn. It really surprised me, and not in a good way really. The tone of the conversation, the question, and explanation, made clear that while she isn't necessarily pleased she also is acutely unaware of the pain this has caused me and continues to cause me, as well as how much destruction it has brought to our marriage. Yikes, I guess I was looking for validation a little from her and when I didn't get it and saw that it wasn't going to come it hurt.
I feel let down. I feel alone. I am reminded that unless you've been there most people just don't get it. I must grieve the loss of what I expected to be a support person for me because she will love me, but she won't be able to help and support me. I could be wrong but I feel that if she truly doesn't understand that this is hard for the spouse that it might be best to just let her knowing be a tool for getting to meetings rather than try to delve into my pain with her. So, this whole time I thought "if my mom just knew I'd have another person to help me" and now it looks like that is not the case. I get to grieve that loss and move on with the new reality accepted.
Just because she may not get it now doesn’t mean that she won’t get it in the future. If she didn’t know about his addiction, then you’ve done a pretty good job of hiding it from her. She may be thinking that you must not feel it’s a big deal or else you’d be reacting more. Now that she knows you are going through this, she’ll see and hear things differently. When people talk about pornography addiction, she’ll now pay attention in a different way than she did before.
ReplyDeleteDon’t give up hope of her being a support just yet. She’s relatively new to the game here. It may take her some time to realize the scope of things. Send her to blogs like mine (get2thegist.blogspot.com) or other blogs that talk about what the spouses of addicts go through, let her read a little bit. And now that she knows, she’ll start noticing things that happen between you guys.
Mama bears don’t react when they don’t understand there is a danger.
And, that is good that she hugged him. That kind of support for him from your parents may be very helpful!
Anyway, just a thought.
Good luck in everything!