The past 5 days:
Wednesday: Morning disclosure. He acted out twice the day before. I am so tired of this cycle. I'm so tired of this addiction. I am weary. He's still sleeping on the couch from our blow up two weeks prior. Staying on the couch.
Thursday: Therapy. He was taking lots of notes... hmm... We left and he says he wished he had a recorder because there is so much he wants to remember and so much work to do. What? He does a phone SA meeting That hasn't happened in forever, I guess therapy was good for him today. He tells me about the meeting. He is volunteering information that brings up his addiction outside of our weekly check-in, things are getting weird now. He gets mad at me for interrupting him and pouts like a child with his arms folded, shoulders tight, scowl apparent. He then storms out saying "I'm going to go call my contact!" and returns 20 minutes later with a complete attitude 180 and asks to help prep dinner Thank goodness for the mystery "contact"! I can't believe he only pouted for 5 minutes before seeking help.
Friday: We are having fun together. This is strange. He brings up other recovery/addiction related stuff and thoughts. We might be in a danger zone of actually talking about this for three days in a row - who is this man, what has he done with my predictable, avoid-happy husband? He calls his psuedo sponsor again this evening. He participates in another SA phone meeting. He comes back to bed that night, and I am not anxious or angry at all.
Saturday: We work well together to arrange our Saturday schedule with work, friends, obligations, chores. First Saturday in months that he doesn't just do his own thing leaving me with the kid nearly the whole day. He calls his pseudo sponsor again. I think I like him! Am I really flirting with him? So fun! I like this whole effort thing that he is trying on for size.
Sunday: It's father's day. I wake up to him participating in another SA phone meeting. He gets the kid ready for church. Church is good. He helps make dinner. He calls his pseudo sponsor. He has time to take a nap. I go upstairs after a couple hours and catch him watching "Helping Her Heal" for the first time, and taking notes. What on earth! On FATHER'S day he has given me a great day and has done tons to work on recovery. This man, whoever he is, is pretty awesome! I hope it sticks. I go to bed before him
Monday morning: He came to bed really late after playing video games. My happy bubble has been slightly punctured. I feel a twinge of detachment and fear. I am reminded that our recoveries are separate and that he has a long way to go.
I share this because I have never seen him take so much initiative in his own recovery. Ever. He is calling his friend every day, even on good days. I am choosing to life in this moment and enjoy and have hope rather than focusing on just how much work he has to do and that I am sure I haven't had my last disclosure. This is the mad I thought I had married all those years ago. He is kind and affectionate and helpful and super fun and funny. He is actually trying. This is what trying looks like. Although my actions haven't changed at all he is more open with me, more trusting, and has found good qualities in me. If this is what recovery looks like I am ALL IN. I am in love today. Who would have thought that I'd fall more and more in love because my husband has started calling someone I've never meet every evening - even putting off enjoyable activities to participate in his calls.
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