Is it awkward?

Last night B chose to tell my mother about his addiction. This is a HUGE step for him, and he made the decision 100% on his own. We are living with my folks so having her know will certainly make trying to get to meetings easier.

Before he told her I knew he was considering it and I was looking forward to possibly having some added support but I was also very anxious because she is very much a mama-bear and I was aware that her reaction could have been one that shamed him and got really protective of me. To her credit, that was not her reaction. I wasn't part of the conversation but he said she hugged him, asked if I was aware when we got married, and was supportive.

Interestingly, my reaction is not at all what I anticipated. I was the one who has gotten really anxious now that she knows. What is she thinking? What does she think of me? How will this change things? Is she going to use it against him in an argument? Is she going to pester me with advice? Does she think I chose poorly? yada yada.

I made myself available for her to ask questions later in the evening. Of all the things to ask she said, "Is it awkward?" I wasn't sure what she meant. She meant, is it awkward when you know he's viewed porn. It really surprised me, and not in a good way really. The tone of the conversation, the question, and explanation, made clear that while she isn't necessarily pleased she also is acutely unaware of the pain this has caused me and continues to cause me, as well as how much destruction it has brought to our marriage. Yikes, I guess I was looking for validation a little from her and when I didn't get it and saw that it wasn't going to come it hurt.

I feel let down. I feel alone. I am reminded that unless you've been there most people just don't get it. I must grieve the loss of what I expected to be a support person for me because she will love me, but she won't be able to help and support me. I could be wrong but I feel that if she truly doesn't understand that this is hard for the spouse that it might be best to just let her knowing be a tool for getting to meetings rather than try to delve into my pain with her. So, this whole time I thought "if my mom just knew I'd have another person to help me" and now it looks like that is not the case. I get to grieve that loss and move on with the new reality accepted.

Cautiously Optimistic - Recovery Efforts

The past 5 days:

Wednesday: Morning disclosure. He acted out twice the day before. I am so tired of this cycle. I'm so tired of this addiction. I am weary. He's still sleeping on the couch from our blow up two weeks prior. Staying on the couch.

Thursday: Therapy. He was taking lots of notes... hmm... We left and he says he wished he had a recorder because there is so much he wants to remember and so much work to do. What? He does a phone SA meeting That hasn't happened in forever, I guess therapy was good for him today. He tells me about the meeting. He is volunteering information that brings up his addiction outside of our weekly check-in, things are getting weird now. He gets mad at me for interrupting him and pouts like a child with his arms folded, shoulders tight, scowl apparent. He then storms out saying "I'm going to go call my contact!" and returns 20 minutes later with a complete attitude 180 and asks to help prep dinner Thank goodness for the mystery "contact"! I can't believe he only pouted for 5 minutes before seeking help. 

Friday: We are having fun together. This is strange. He brings up other recovery/addiction related stuff and thoughts. We might be in a danger zone of actually talking about this for three days in a row - who is this man, what has he done with my predictable, avoid-happy husband? He calls his psuedo sponsor again this evening. He participates in another SA phone meeting. He comes back to bed that night, and I am not anxious or angry at all.

Saturday: We work well together to arrange our Saturday schedule with work, friends, obligations, chores. First Saturday in months that he doesn't just do his own thing leaving me with the kid nearly the whole day. He calls his pseudo sponsor again.  I think I like him! Am I really flirting with him? So fun! I like this whole effort thing that he is trying on for size. 

Sunday: It's father's day. I wake up to him participating in another SA phone meeting. He gets the kid ready for church. Church is good. He helps make dinner. He calls his pseudo sponsor. He has time to take a nap. I go upstairs after a couple hours and catch him watching "Helping Her Heal" for the first time, and taking notes. What on earth! On FATHER'S day he has given me a great day and has done tons to work on recovery. This man, whoever he is, is pretty awesome! I hope it sticks. I go to bed before him

Monday morning: He came to bed really late after playing video games. My happy bubble has been slightly punctured. I feel a twinge of detachment and fear. I am reminded that our recoveries are separate and that he has a long way to go.

I share this because I have never seen him take so much initiative in his own recovery. Ever. He is calling his friend every day, even on good days. I am choosing to life in this moment and enjoy and have hope rather than focusing on just how much work he has to do and that  I am sure I haven't had my last disclosure. This is the mad I thought I had married all those years ago. He is kind and affectionate and helpful  and super fun and funny. He is actually trying. This is what trying looks like. Although my actions haven't changed at all he is more open with me, more trusting, and has found good qualities in me. If this is what recovery looks like I am ALL IN.  I am in love today. Who would have thought that I'd fall more and more in love because my husband has started calling someone I've never meet every evening - even putting off enjoyable activities to participate in his calls.

Trauma is so real

Our last big step back really did a number on me and I am still recovering.

We were at the store together and had a blow-up over which bag of chips to get. Yes, you read that right. Which bag of chips led to yelling, and storming off. We connected toward the end of the shopping trip again and I told him I felt that he owed me an apology. He insisted that he in fact did not owe me an apology and it was all my fault. Then the TRAUMA took over. My heart started beating faster, my breathing sped up, my feet moved faster as I raced toward the check out so I could just GET OUT of dodge. I felt the trauma envelope my entire being. I hate that feeling.

Another time we had made some strides toward emotional intimacy. We were on our way toward physical intimacy. And the trauma took over again. I froze. Thankfully he responded with gentleness when I needed to stop. We went back to sleeping apart after that.

I was gone for several days and when I returned we were able to be kind. We even slept in the same bed again. I had been vulnerable again. The next morning there was no affection, no increased emotional intimacy. I felt let down, alone, and stupid. The trauma tried to rear it's ugly head again.

Last night we had some good conversation. I had been very triggered by something completely unrelated to my husband. He seemed to understand or at least attempt to understand that I was in a hard place and that I did not feel very connected because the trauma was very real still. In the middle of the night he tried to instigate sex. Um, NO. Clearly the understanding was feigned, or at least it didn't mean enough to him to actually put my feelings ahead of is middle of the night lust.

Amid all this I had a very tender, spiritual, and sacred experience at the temple on Saturday. It lifted me, it strengthened me, it taught me. It didn't really relate to addiction or my marriage, but to my relationship with my Savior. I have had joy this past week. Lots of it actually. None of it came from my spouse or my marriage. That is sad to me, but it is my truth right now.

I'm just waiting until therapy later this week to try to continue processing. I don't feel I have it in me to dig up the hurt again. Every few days it is brought up by other stuff and that is enough for me. The hurt is so deep, and so profound and I don't think I can let it fully wash over me right now in order to surrender. I'm scared of the hurt, of feeling the full brunt of it. I will get there eventually, but not right now. For today I'll stay on the surface and do other things that need to be done.

One Step Back, Two Baby Steps Forward: Part III

So, for the final baby step  of the big step back and two steps forward we go to The Lion King.

We watched it with our son and we both had moments, for very different reasons. I might talk more about what I found in it in another post. B was very touched by the part where Mufasa appears in the stars and reminds Simba who he is. See the scene below.

On Sunday we were discussing our days and B indicated he is on a spiritual high and that he feels he is on the cusp of a change in perspective about his worth. I think he is so close to believing he has individual worth, because it is his birthright. It is something that contradicts nearly everything he has been taught to believe about himself so that knowledge will not come easily. The adversary will be putting up a big fight in B's journey to that part of his testimony. I hope he gets there though. His baby steps toward that knowledge is encouraging because I really feel it would change a lot. It would give him hope where he previously hasn't had any because he has such incredibly low self-esteem and such a low sense of worth.

This makes me grateful for the Young Women values. I had lessons on individual worth all through my teenage years. I might not have let it all sink in, and I have had my struggles. But I had the vocabulary, I had the lessons in the back on my mind somewhere, I have the theme to fall back on. As I have found more of my own confidence in my recovery journey I have changed for the better. I have become less willing to have things in my life that detract from the spirit. I have found my voice more. I have hopes that as B works to discover his self-worth he will have some of the same benefits.

This is a hard place. After such a huge blow up, and the feelings of being unsafe and all the emotional and verbal abuse it is hard to be in a good space. His honesty in the past few days and his efforts to keep out the spiritual and to dig deeper into himself have been baby steps in the right direction. I feel that these are not fake moments, but I also know that the spiritual high will come down. The temptations will return. The long-practiced patterns of blaming, abusing will still be the default so there is lots of work to be done.

For now, I'm glad he seems to be really trying to do the work. I have said, in no uncertain terms, that I will not be physically trapped again. I will not be fearful for my safety. If there is a next time he will be moving out, because it is just not ok at all. We slept in the same bed last night but today we both agreed that it was too soon and we will be sleeping apart for at least another week. I still feel raw. I am so hurt and betrayed. I feel weak and afraid. I feel sad and abused. I feel calm and hopeful. None of it makes sense but I have decided to just have confidence in myself and my ability to just live in the moment. If the moment is hopeful I am giving myself permission to have hope. If the moment is happy I am giving myself permission to be happy with B. If the moment is sad then I have permission to just be sad. If the moment is raw and emotional then I give myself permission to be raw, to require space, to want hugs, to want distance, to express myself or to keep it to myself to stay safe. I just am allowed to feel whatever I feel and do whatever is right for that moment, for that day.

In this moment I have hope and I have very real trauma to work through and that is okay. I am a daughter of God and with that comes power to overcome this trauma.

One Step Back, Two Baby Steps Forward: Part II

The Big Step Back happened on a Thursday evening/Friday morning. This is a post about the first baby step forward.

Friday evening we tried to talk again. Saturday was full of family events and a double date that we had planned so we wanted to at least attempt to be able to have cordial conversation since we wouldn't be able to ignore each other.

It went semi-okay. Toward the end it got more tense as B tried to explain that he just wants the "issue" to be separate from our relationship and that he felt like I kept trying to mush them together. I told him that there isn't a separation because the "issue" directly affects our relationship and our relationship will not be fixed the "issue" is still there. He argued some more and eventually said something along the lines of "I just want to get past this and have a good marriage" and I said, VERY FIRMLY "Then STOP looking at porn" to which he shut down the conversation and said it was over.

I left.

I felt completely empty and alone and like there was nothing left. I went to my room, alone, and cried in the dark. I prayed and begged Heavenly Father for help with the hurt. The weight of all the times he's masturbated and viewed pornography and lusted after women real and pixelated was too much.

B heard me crying and came in. I wanted him there, to see the hurt, to make it better, but I wanted him gone, to leave me be, to not hurt me anymore. He stood in the doorway as I was crouching against the opposite wall.

He had a breakthrough. Thursday in therapy our therapist introduced the topic of co-dependency to us. I have a pretty solid understanding of what this is and have been working on my own codependency for a while but B had never heard of it. (I gave up trying to teach him stuff like this a while ago). B, in the doorway, told me that he feels like he needs to stop looking to me for his happiness and start finding another source. He said it was similar to an incident a couple years ago where he really did have an epiphany and change a big part of his behavior with his family. He felt the same about whatever was going on inside him in that moment. He saw the flawed system of being wholly dependent on me for his happiness - it wasn't working. I was proud of him in that moment. I was still totally injured and broken, but I saw a glimmer of hope in him that I have not seen before. Something stuck, in his heart, that could mean big things for him and for us.

For an addict to see and acknowledge such a flaw in himself was a step in the right direction. We still are sleeping apart, but there is hope.

One Big Step Back, Two Baby Steps Forward: Part I

A lot has happened this past weekend and I want to get it all written down for my own processing and healing. I'm going to do so in three posts - the first of which will discuss the ONE BIG STEP BACK. So this post will not be a happy one, but I still feel it is an important part of the story for myself.

A few nights ago B forgot to keep the commitment he made of watching the video Helping Her Heal with me that night. He had made that commitment earlier in the day – bringing it up and coming up with the time himself.

At the end of the night he asked what was wrong and I told him that he said he was going to watch that video. His apology was “I’m sorry but this and this and this came up, as you know, and I forgot so I need you to give me understanding” To me that is not an apology – he was making excuses instead of just owning that yes, I made a mistake, and I am sorry how can I make it up to you?

We argued for about 5 minutes and then I said I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. He was in victim mode and making the entire thing about himself and blaming me so I stuck to my own boundary of not continuing such a conversation and he stormed out of the room.

We slept apart.

The next morning before I left for work I asked if he wanted to talk about anything before I left. He said “You made me feel like a failure and a scum bag so no” I responded by telling him that I did not call names, I did not yell, I did not make him feel that way. If he is feeling shame that is on him and not on me. After a couple minutes of arguing I told him I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. He kept going. I got up to walk away and he followed me for the next 10 minutes as I got ready for work. He was yelling, cursing, and blaming me for everything. It was some of the worst verbal abuse I've experienced from him. Our toddler was pushing him and trying to protect me. I did not say anything except “I don’t want to talk” and “I just want this conversation to end” He then said he was going to watch the video now and went to the computer. I told him, forcefully, that he would not watch that video with our toddler around. He got up and continued yelling at me. It was my fault that our marriage is falling apart. It was my fault that he felt like crap. It was my fault that we don't get along. I was told that I am to blame for it all, his unhappiness, our unhappiness, parts of his addiction, all of it. At one point we ended up in the bedroom while I was getting ready. I was still not talking unless I was saying that I didn't want to talk anymore.  I tried leaving as he was still verbally and emotionally abusing me and he wouldn’t let me out. He wouldn’t let me out for what seemed like a lifetime but was probably more like a minute. I only said “Please let me out” and after the minute I panicked, my breath sped up and I yelled “JUST LET ME PASS!” at which point he let me pass – berating me the entire time.

I felt very scared for my safety when he trapped me in my own room. He physically stayed in my way. He's never hit me or shoved me but in that moment I was terrified that he might, especially if I tried to force my way past him. 

Just before I left I asked if he wanted me to take little man for 5 minutes so he could cool down and he started yelling again so I just left. He told me congratulations on traumatizing our son, that it was my fault that our little boy had now witnessed such ugliness.

That day was hard. I called a friend and sobbed. I called my dad, our bishop, and sobbed. I called our therapist and sobbed. They all told me the same thing, he was not allowed to cross that line and I needed to make it clear that this would never happen again. I was grateful for their reassurance of what I knew in my heart. At work that morning a friend asked if I was okay. I broke down into wracking sobs again. I was barely holding it together all day. Scratch that I wasn't holding it together all day, only for about 1 hour spurts.

I should mention when I was a teenager my first boyfriend shoved me down the stairs once. And after we broke up he trapped me in a car for 30+ minutes while he verbally and emotionally abused me. I believe this experience with B traumatized me so much because it brought the same fear and helplessness to my heart that I experienced as that 16 year old girl. 

That day, that B treated me this way, I was ready to tell him to move out of our room for good, or possibly out of our home. All day I found myself walking with my head facing down looking at the ground. My beautiful friend who was my first call had reminded me to not let him take away who I am. I am a strong, beautiful, smart woman and he doesn't get to treat me like that and I am not what he called me and I am not responsible for the things he blamed me for. Throughout the day I reminded myself to hold my head up high and push my shoulders back and walk tall. I AM a strong woman. I CAN stand up for myself. I DO NOT deserve the treatment I received and I DO have choices.

It was a bad day.

I'll Be Okay

Feeling hurt and unsure and scared and sad. I found this song. I just keep reminding myself, I'll be okay. I've felt this way before. The sun will rise again. I will feel peace again. As I strive to live worthy of the tender promptings of the Holy Ghost I will find the path that I should follow. I will be whole again through the Atonement of my Savior who saves me every day and who has never failed me. He has caught me every time I needed catching. He has held me every time I've needed holding. He's guided me every time I've needed guiding. As long as I open the door to Him and His influence He will be there for me. And when I've closed the door, He is still waiting on just the other side until I open it again. (Revelation 3:20)

Detaching a Bit

This has been a pretty up and down past few days.

Wednesday night is check-in night. Thursday I found porn. Ironically I wasn't really snooping or trying to find anything. I feel that maybe this was the spirit guiding me to tell me something. The problem was that according to our current set up - he won't disclose that until this Wednesday! So, I can either confront him, which would be rather pointless because it is typical of him to look at porn every other week (right on freakin' schedule) or I can wait to see if he lies to me.

I chose the later, because it would tell me more than just confronting him I believe. So, now I know he's acted out. I'm extra off balance because this is only the third time I've actually SEEN any porn that he's forgotten to delete. Unfortunately, the next day I snooped when I know I shouldn't have in order to see if he'd caught himself and deleted the evidence. That sent me into a fear and anger spiral, like snooping always does when it is not instigated by a prompting. And now I'm trying to dig myself out of it.

Also, I am seriously ashamed of this (which means I need to get it out) I clicked on one of the two links. The thumbnail wasn't pornographic but the title indicated that is was porn. I clicked, and it started, and the volume was up, and I immediately regretted my decision and had a moment of terror as I was trying to turn it off and COULDN'T for a full five seconds because I don't use tablets ever. The sounds and images are burned in my mind and I'm into my fear, sadness, and anger even deeper because of my wrong choice. I am working on repenting of my actions, and surrendering my negative emotions, so I can be free from the chains that are binding me in my anger. It is tough work.

Amidst all this mess I'm still cohabiting with the person I know betrayed me again. It has made my blood boil even more watching the complete 180 in him since he acted out. Wednesday night he was in a pretty depressed state. Thursday night he seemed chipper, calm, patient, loving, affectionate and has been pretty much ever since. I guess life is better when you've properly numbed up all the negative with acting out in your addiction! The thing that gets me is if I hadn't found the porn I would probably have been all these things back to him and we might have even been sexually intimate.

So I've detached a lot this week. We are only having superficial conversations and I'm extra busy with cooking, cleaning, and I have been needing to go to bed early and been purposefully trying to not go to bed at the same time so I'm not asked for any extra curricular activities. I will say it is probably the most successful I've been at detaching and I just need to make it to Wednesday so that is good.

I have also tried to up my self-care by reading my scriptures more, reading a book I have been meaning to get to, long baths with essential oils, painting my nails, naps, and lots of play time with my little boy. Those have all helped me not go nutso this week. My plan to make it to Wednesday is simple - work long hours. Tonight I have a Bachelorette viewing party so I really don't need to spend any time with B and tomorrow night I can figure out something to keep us at a safe distance.

My plan for if he lies to me is to tell him, without specifics, that I know he isn't being truthful. If he continues to lie or goes into addict mode defensiveness or verbal abuse I'll step away from the conversation. If he lies at all I will be buying and installing spy-ware in order to know the extent of his lies. Luckily for me we have therapy the next day, and I have my first solo therapy session as well so I have help coming soon. I am also trying to muster up the courage to kick him out of our bedroom completely if he lies to me, for an undetermined amount of time. I honestly don't know if I have the courage and the self-confidence to do that, but I want to do it. We'll see.