Sexual Intimacy

I started this post more than once. I deleted it all more than once. Instead of a lot of background I'm just going to say what is on my mind at this moment because I think it will be cathartic for me even if it doesn't offer much to anyone else.

I want a healthy sexual relationship with my husband. I don't know if that is possible right now. He is working toward recovery and making progress but not what I would deem sober. Sometimes when we are together it is great physically, emotionally, and spiritually for me. Sometimes I can tell something is missing but so far I haven't had the guts to stop mid-way through and say, "Nope, this isn't what it is supposed to feel like, we're done for the evening." I know sometimes he has fantasized about other women when he's with me, that is par for the course with this addiction. I know sometimes he finds my body wholly inadequate. I don't know if he is capable of lust-free sex. What I am struggling with is what to do with all of this knowledge and my desire to have sex with him and have it be gratifying not only physically but emotionally and spiritually as well.

Partly my problem stems from frequently being rejected when I was desirous of sex during the course of our marriage. It got to the point where he would initiate maybe once every six months and every other time I got the ball rolling. So, I pretty much said yes please any time he actually initiated. But I don't know how to undo that in me. I worked hard on my self-esteem and body image and having my worth come from things other than whether or not B finds me desirable. I was doing well on this front. Then we started being hyper honest and really diving into recovery efforts and disclosures and learning. I have taken a step backwards and I fear my body image is on the verge of getting tied into B's view of me again and it scares me.

On paper the easy answer is no sexual intimacy until he is fully sober, or recovered, or whatever. I have seen that as a boundary on many blogs. I have a hard time with that one. See, I believe in the five languages of love and my most prominent one is physical touch, by far. I knew this before I even met B. I enjoy hugs, kisses, hand holding, affection, and yes, sex. I want to be intimate, it is one way I show love, and one of the ways I hear "I love you." Plus, taking our physical relationship off the table makes me angry because it is just another thing that this stupid addiction has stolen from me. But really the addiction has already stolen this because I'm having this dilemma.

I don't know what is healthy for us and for me emotionally and spiritually. My gut is saying at some point we'll need to have a fast from sex so he doesn't just use me for his lust hits when he is done with pornography consumption. Is that point now? How long does it need to last? Mostly, I hate that this addiction has stolen one of the most sacred parts of a marriage relationship from me. Pornography use by my husband has rewired his brain and because of that I have been used as a lust hit, I have been used as nothing more than a toy. Not always, but it has happened. I'm worth more than that. So, now I'm just angry about the situation and I don't know what to do about it.