Sexual Intimacy

I started this post more than once. I deleted it all more than once. Instead of a lot of background I'm just going to say what is on my mind at this moment because I think it will be cathartic for me even if it doesn't offer much to anyone else.

I want a healthy sexual relationship with my husband. I don't know if that is possible right now. He is working toward recovery and making progress but not what I would deem sober. Sometimes when we are together it is great physically, emotionally, and spiritually for me. Sometimes I can tell something is missing but so far I haven't had the guts to stop mid-way through and say, "Nope, this isn't what it is supposed to feel like, we're done for the evening." I know sometimes he has fantasized about other women when he's with me, that is par for the course with this addiction. I know sometimes he finds my body wholly inadequate. I don't know if he is capable of lust-free sex. What I am struggling with is what to do with all of this knowledge and my desire to have sex with him and have it be gratifying not only physically but emotionally and spiritually as well.

Partly my problem stems from frequently being rejected when I was desirous of sex during the course of our marriage. It got to the point where he would initiate maybe once every six months and every other time I got the ball rolling. So, I pretty much said yes please any time he actually initiated. But I don't know how to undo that in me. I worked hard on my self-esteem and body image and having my worth come from things other than whether or not B finds me desirable. I was doing well on this front. Then we started being hyper honest and really diving into recovery efforts and disclosures and learning. I have taken a step backwards and I fear my body image is on the verge of getting tied into B's view of me again and it scares me.

On paper the easy answer is no sexual intimacy until he is fully sober, or recovered, or whatever. I have seen that as a boundary on many blogs. I have a hard time with that one. See, I believe in the five languages of love and my most prominent one is physical touch, by far. I knew this before I even met B. I enjoy hugs, kisses, hand holding, affection, and yes, sex. I want to be intimate, it is one way I show love, and one of the ways I hear "I love you." Plus, taking our physical relationship off the table makes me angry because it is just another thing that this stupid addiction has stolen from me. But really the addiction has already stolen this because I'm having this dilemma.

I don't know what is healthy for us and for me emotionally and spiritually. My gut is saying at some point we'll need to have a fast from sex so he doesn't just use me for his lust hits when he is done with pornography consumption. Is that point now? How long does it need to last? Mostly, I hate that this addiction has stolen one of the most sacred parts of a marriage relationship from me. Pornography use by my husband has rewired his brain and because of that I have been used as a lust hit, I have been used as nothing more than a toy. Not always, but it has happened. I'm worth more than that. So, now I'm just angry about the situation and I don't know what to do about it.

Self Care

On the forum I frequent for loved ones many people mention self-care and how important it is. As I was reading someone's blog she mentioned that one of her boundaries involves If _____ then I will take time and do one of the things on my self-care list. I LOVE this idea. I've struggled with setting up boundaries partially because nearly all the examples I've seen have involved physical space as the primary or sole consequence (sleeping apart, no intimacy, etc.). Well, I just don't see sleeping apart as being very helpful to me as a consequence at this point. We generally only are intimate if we are close emotionally so that one doesn't really make sense to me right now either. But, taking time to do a self-care item while hubby or someone else watches little man - that makes sense to me. In order to decide on that boundary though (still no idea when it will actually be set or decided on) I need to have a self-care list to begin with. This is the beginning of it - things that help me feel centered, loved, balanced, peaceful, relaxed, calm, an in tune.

• Read my scriptures
• Write in my journal or blog
• Take a long bath
• Go swimming
• Take a walk
• Go for a drive
• Read something uplifting or light-hearted
• Talk to friends and family
• Shower, shave, and do myself up
• Mani/Pedi
• Write a letter to someone
• Play the piano / listen to music
• Take a nap
• Go out with friends/family
• Exercise
• Organize something

It is a start. Maybe now I can think about what some of my boundaries should be. I have set two rights/boundaries already. I will seek out help as I need it, from who I feel I need it from, whether or not that person already knows what is going on. Also, I have the right to a healthy sexual relationship and if I feel it is not healthy for me emotionally, spiritually, or mentally to have sex then I will not do so. Those were tough to set and to tell B about and he didn't take it super well at first but he understands now. We'll see if I feel I need more and either way, I need to do self-care sometimes anyway so I'm glad I have a list!

Hope

B is on his journey to recovery and I am on mine and we are on ours. I believe that the only way the marriage will survive is with complete transparency and honesty. I've requested that he disclose any pornography use or masturbation within 24 hours. He does. Yesterday he did. It still hurts but trusting that if he isn't telling me then it isn't happening is so much better than wondering every day whether or not such and such was going on behind my back.

I'm not going to lie though, it still hurts. This time it had been a little longer between disclosures so in spite of myself hope crept in that maybe the last time was the last time. I remember thinking that I hate that the hope creeps in even when I don't want it to. I don't want to be disappointed. I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to be cheated on. I struggled through the hurt of yesterday, and am not over it completely but I realized something as I sat down to write. I guess I'm glad that the hope still does come. If the hope never did come I don't think I could stay. I don't think I could go on. I don't think I would be in a good place spiritually or emotionally. I'm grateful for hope. I grateful that it comes. In the past it hasn't. In the past I have felt hopeless and it is such a dark place to be. Hope comes from Christ. Hope comes from letting His atonement work in my life and free me of my burden as I turn to him in humility and meekness. Hope is so very powerful. It is a force of light and life that can push away the darkness, the pain, and the loneliness.

Finding motivation to work on me

I've had a hard time this week finding the motivation to work on me. I haven't been actively working through any steps for a while now but I had been making sure to read my scriptures and study the gospel and visit the hopeandhealinglds.com forum to offer support and seek it. But lately even that all felt like too much. Is it possible to just not work on it and still be fine?

I've decided yes. I should always be seeking Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ but if I am feeling okay otherwise I don't need to be working one of the 12 steps or reading a book about healing from a spouses addiction or reading blogs or visiting my ecclesiastical leaders. I'm spending my energy focusing on me, and my child, and my marriage and right now that is all I can do so it is all I should do. KISS right - keep is simple silly. I'm pretty sure Elder Uchtdorf gave a talk about exactly that, simplifying your life.

Maybe I'll seek something tomorrow, maybe not. But I know the feeling in my heart and it is telling me that I am doing okay and the reason I'm not feeling an urgent need to read as much as I can about my own recovery is because I'm in a good place right now. Tomorrow is another day but for today I'll just enjoy the peace and my baby's squinty smiles.