Refreshing Honesty

Today B and I had a very real, honest, and open conversation about our sex life. It was so nice because I think we were both on the same page and chose our words carefully to try to fully express ourselves without going into any of the roles in the drama triangle. I feel that it was a baby step in the right direction. We've decided to have a sex fast for a while to get a break from the frustration and hurt that it has caused recently to both of us and to try and reset.

My favorite part of this experience is that he really opened up about what he has been feeling and what his perspective on recent circumstances have been. That afforded me the opportunity to do the same and we both saw how a lack of communication about the subject had made things worse. It made me cry because there was pent up hurt and emotion that was unlocked by his honesty and willingness to listen to my honesty. It felt good to let a few more things out and surrender a little bit more.

Another silly thing dawned on us - before marriage we stayed chaste by having rules and boundaries like many other couples have. The rules were meant to keep us from a situation where our resolve would be tested. The couple times we have tried to have a sex fast in marriage we didn't set up the same boundaries because we just assumed we could stick to our resolve I guess? Well, those didn't last long.

side note***I feel shame even writing that. I feel like having a sex life at all with a lust addict not in recovery is somehow betraying all of the other WoPAs out there. I feel like it means I shouldn't be allowed to be part of their(your) company because they(you) surely take all this so seriously that they(you) wouldn't do this to themselves(yourself) or partners and they(you) all have more self-respect than I do, or something like that. I feel it makes me seem weak to still have any kind of sex life before B is completely sober and in recovery. I feel it makes me part of the problem; If I just stopped having sex completely then I wouldn't feel used because I wouldn't be letting him use me and he would realize I was serious and get his bum in gear. If I just stopped having sex with him then we would be able to focus on everything else and I wouldn't be medicating him with his addiction and enabling him. These feelings of shame and blaming myself for his addiction are probably partly why a sex fast is a good idea.***

We are going to set up some additional boundaries for ourselves because we really do believe we need a period of abstinence to change up our patterns and reset our emotional connection. We have been, in the past month or two, using sex as a way to create an emotional connection rather than celebrate and deepen a strong emotional connection. Not healthy. I am 100% guilty of this too, not just B. When we started therapy and other boundaries got thrown out the window (another story, that I've shared some of in the past) I just kind of let them all go because I felt helpless and trampled on and unsure. Maybe re-figuring everything out is a good thing though. Now we are on the same page and the boundaries (at least these ones, not all of them) will actually be set together because his heart wants to have an emotional connection with me and is slowly seeing that that means sobriety and recovery needs to be worked on.