Welp, I felt the feels, or rather I exploded the feels all over the place

In my last post I talked about how I'd been numbing, avoiding, etc. but I knew I wasn't okay. I left it with a renewed goal of feeling the feels so that I could surrender them and move forward. Well, I did, kind of.

The problem with numbing, avoiding, ignoring is the feelings tend to get magnified. At least that is my experience. Or maybe the longer I numb the less capable I am at sorting through them in a healthy manner so my response becomes increasingly negative. Either way, it was ugly. I got upset. I went into hermit mode all day Saturday and most of Sunday. On Sunday afternoon I watched "Helping Her Heal" for the first time, by myself. Wowza. Talk about a giant flood of tears and emotion. It just shook all the pain out of where I had locked it up and it came pouring through my body. I was rocking back and forth, sobbing, collapsing in on myself physically. My body just could not hold the pain. Yeah, 2 hours of crazy, just me and my computer and my big bulky headphones, oh and tons of tissues.

Now the emotion wasn't locked in anymore so I had to figure out where to put it! Once little one was in bed my anger and frustration and hurt decided the addict in the home was a pretty damn good place to pour all my emotion onto. He was ill-prepared, because he is an addict not in recovery, to handle my hurt. We got into a fight about something super minor. Then it just went from there to not liking each others families (even though we do), and from there he went straight to the blame game. I responded with trying, in all the wrong ways, to get him to understand just how much I was hurting emotionally (read yelling, point, arguing, etc). He upped his game by pulling out his LDS family services manual and reading quotes from general authorities about why I was wrong (at this point our discussion was focusing on whether or not I am allowed to tell people my challenge without his consent and approval - I said I can, because the story is mine - He said that is super disrespectful and taking away his right to tell whom he deems fit). I upped my game by yelling louder about my rights, and what I need, and crying even more.

He upped the ante again with pulling in other circumstances where I have "disrespected" him. I upped it by pointing out the obvious, LOOKING AT PORN IS NOT RESPECTING ME EITHER. And by also bring in other circumstances - like how he'd gotten mad at me for buying a soda on Sunday because that isn't keeping the Sabbath. BTW - BUYING A SODA IS NOTHING COMPARED TO LOOKING AT PORN AND MASTURBATING TWICE ON EASTER SUNDAY. There may have been a few or a lot of curse words thrown his way too. That Easter dig was pretty much the trump card that broke the flood. I collapsed to the ground in a bucket of tears, all my anger spent, and just sorrow left. He just stared at me, I mean really, what do you say after that? He could even see the logic in that one.

So we sat, and I sobbed, and we just went quiet. And finally, my emotions were almost all out. I calmed down. After a while I had enough clarity to apologize for my bad behavior, the cursing and the below the belt digs. I asked him, what I could do to help him feel like I acknowledged his hurt at finding out I had told someone else about my challenge without changing my stance on my right to do so. He said there wasn't anything. And so we left it. And the entire situation just calmed down.

I guess I felt the feels. Now I have a cold from all the crying - swollen face and sinuses all freakin' week. I got triggered last night and stewed for today but brought it up tonight. He briefly resorted to anger but as I stayed calm and tried to express that I was just still feeling hurt he calmly listened to my hurt, let me cry some more, and didn't try to deflect any of it. Is it possible to be making progress even when there is only a week of sobriety, which I don't actually call sobriety?

Sometimes I can deal, sometimes I can't

Therapy has been helpful to us. I would say 6 weeks ago we were both seriously considering (but not admitting to each other) just leaving, or asking the other to leave. We've been in therapy a couple months and now we aren't there anymore, but the addiction is still super present. Weekly check-ins have been weekly disclosures. Typically once a week. I've been able to deal pretty well. I have been at peace, I have been able to not go to negative emotions, I have been able to appropriately (I hope) be loving and supportive but not condoning. He has worked hard to be the one to bring up the check-ins and volunteer the information. This has gone a long way to helping me have some peace. The lying is the WORST so when he volunteers information I know he would rather keep from me I know he is working on things in some small way.

A week ago the disclosure included a twice in one day, that day being Easter. Yikes. Threw me off balance a bit, but I thought I had it under control and was using my healing resources and steps. Then this week it was three days of acting out, in one week. While I was at home. I didn't yell, or shove (I have done both recently) but I also haven't let myself deal. I'm just numbing. I have too much, I have school, a wedding cake, a child, work, a loved one who just found out about her hubs addiction, cleaning, church service, etc. There is not room or time for me to process my emotions because if I let them come, they will pretty much knock me on my bum for a day or two.

So, I've been quiet. I've thought about it on my commutes, but I haven't let all the feelings come up. I'm squashing them with "you should just be fine" and "you've been feeling peace for several weeks, what did you do to cause yourself to lose that peace?" and "stop being so weak and fearful, you are stronger than that" and "he still told you, he went to group, what more can you possibly expect or want at this point?"

I feel lonely even when I know I am not alone. It still feels that way. We made a little progress last night when B let me express some feelings without getting defensive and then showed an increase in love. But then I could feel him shutting down, shutting it out. He didn't bring it up again, he played on his damn tablet while we watched a show, and he didn't saw "I love you" when we went to bed or when I left this morning. Duh, I can't rely on the addict to help me feel not alone. That was my bad, I should know I can't trust him to do that. It is great when he does, but not consistent.

I think I need to read through step one again, surrender. My mantra right now should be feel, and then surrender the feels so there is room for better feels to grow. Feel the feels and then surrender the feels... just how?

A Game Plan - A Successful Vacation

I think I wrote about how much anxiety a pending vacation was causing me last month. As the vacation approached I asked B if he had a game plan for dealing with the potential triggers. I asked if we could make a game plan for us to meet the potential triggers and contention during the week. We agreed to be open and communicate as soon as we started to feel some contention beginning. Typically when B gets triggered he starts resenting me for something minor and becoming less patient. He agreed to not let that fester. When he is around a large group of people he tends to feel left out, which brings up negative emotions from all the way back to his childhood. Knowing we were staying a house with lots of people, and lots of adults, we decided on game plan for if he was feeling unheard an I went in very aware of trying to be inclusive and attentive. We talked calmly and did the best we could to make a safety plan to ensure our vacation is a success.

Day 2 of vacation it was put to the test. B followed through though. We were getting irritated with one another at the amusement park. For about 3 hours we were avoiding each other (hard to do) and then he snapped at me and I snapped back. He let out an exasperated scoff and then asked if we could just talk for a moment. We let the group go on ahead and bickered for 5 minutes while strangers with little kids passed us by. But, it was successful! After a few minutes of bickering we both know we WANTED to resolve the issue, and have a good day so we had to buck up, humble ourselves, and figure this out NOW. There was no waiting, our vacation depended on it. We did, we apologized, we expressed our feelings in "I" statements in stead of "you" statements. And we walked back to the group holding hands and although it took another couple hours for the emotions to totally die down, they did die down. We had a great day. We had a great WEEK. We worked hard to stay in-tune, accommodating, and communicative. The day that I started panicking by seeing what would usually be his preference I paid attention to him and to me and realized it was me, that he wasn't triggered, and I was able to surrender and move on.

The reason I wanted to share this is to say out loud, there is HOPE. We have so long to go. He isn't sober (more on what happened after vacation later). However, we are trying. We are working. We are doing so individually and together. Heavenly Father continues to help me humble myself, and see when it is me and when it isn't. I am happy to be here, where I am, married to B. The other day a friend and I were laughing about reporting things that had made us happy that involved our hubs doing things for themselves to protect themselves from triggers. Never would I have thought before marriage that I would be rejoicing over something so strange and silly, but I did rejoice, and I will continue to rejoice over things like that. Surrender, although difficult, is such a better state than trying to control something I can't control. I love my Savior. I love my husband. I have hope for my forever family. Satan will not win.