Won't you HURRY UP and want me?

I know I've written about this before, but it is on my mind again. The lyric "I want you to want me" plays over and over in my head these days. I've heard more times that I can count in therapy, in discussions, in arguments, in meetings with the bishop, that I am not wanted by my husband. He is not attracted to me emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or physically. He does not like me, he is not sure if he loves me any more. I have changed "and not in a good way." I have heard this so much. It hurts every single time.

Don't get me wrong, it is actually not grating on my sense of worth too much. I have worked hard on that. I know I am wanted by many people - my Savior, my parents, my siblings, my extended family, my best friends. I have fun relationships with my work and school peers. I have so many people who love me and I am so blessed in that regard. I don't want to undermine their love for me, acceptance of me, and support for me.

However, I chose this one person, nearly 6 years ago, to be MY person. The person who I will spend eternity with. I want him to want me. I want him to see my value. I thought I wanted him to remember how he used to feel about me. But I've been told he's never had "tender" feelings toward me. I believe he's felt love for me, but since he's been an addict our entire marriage I also believe that possibly his love for me has never actually matched my love for him. He's resented me our entire marriage for something that happened while we were engaged. He's doubted his decision to marry me our entire marriage because of the same thing. He's liked me some of the time. He's loved me some of the time. But I don't think it has ever been the way I thought my husband would love me before I found him.

This is part of the reason I was SO BADLY for him to recover from his addiction. I have hope that the further away he gets from his addiction (as in the further into recovery) the more he'll be able to see me for me and learn to like me, and even love me. I just want him to HURRY up and love me already!

Something I was once told by a grown married woman really stuck with me. She said that her husband loved her more than she loved him because she recognized that he was able to love more unconditionally due to his level on conversion to the gospel of Christ. She loved him as well as she could, but she knew it didn't match what how he could love her. It didn't make sense to me. It seemed unfair. Now I'm just impressed by her honesty, vulnerability, and keen self-inspection. I feel I am on the flip side of that. I undoubtedly love my husband more than he does me, he has said so as well. I'm just not sure what to do with the constant reminding of that fact.

As we left therapy yesterday I was PISSED because I felt B had been completely dishonest in his representation of me and I hadn't had time to address it, and because I'd been reminded yet again of his lack of feelings toward me. I couldn't speak, I could hardly breathe, I was so mad. I looked out the window for the 30 min drive home and fluctuated between praying and seething. Then the Holy Ghost reminded me that the Savior knows. He knows the truth, which is probably somewhere between my story and B's story. And He knows that I am worth loving. He knows the desire of my heart. He knows that I want so badly to be wanted by my husband but that I am not. He also knows the end from the beginning. If I do my best, and strive for perfection, I will be saved and have eternal life. Which means someday I will have a partner who WANTS me. I hope that partner is B. If that is what I want, and it is, then I have to work on my own heart, to forgive him of the wrongs so that I can be the other half of that celestial partnership. Someday B will be the husband I have always wanted, and someday I'll be the woman he wants too.

Trying Something New

I'm not sure how to fully understand or process so I'm going to word-vomit all over this post.

The other day B and I had a pretty big fight. Little things led to big anger. We ended up having a long discussion and were making progress toward at least being cordial but a sticking point came up. Basically, he is hopeless right now. As a result he feels that it is unfair of me to expect him to be free of pornography and masturbation at some point. He wants there to be room for him to try but never succeed in achieving sobriety and recovery. He is SO scared that he can't get there, that it will never happen. When I told him that I have the right to expect fidelity in my marriage he flew off the handle a bit. He doesn't like the language that labels his actions as unfaithful, cheating, not having fidelity, etc. He says that is shaming and belittling him, and maybe it is. I haven't decided. To me it seems like telling the truth and calling an apple and apple.

Anyway, we ended up talking to our bishop last night. It was hard. The conclusion was we will have an appointed time each week to discuss pornography, the act outs, the emotions, the triggers, etc. We won't discuss it outside of that time with each other. This came about because B feels like that has become all we ever talk about it is taking a toll on our relationship. He doesn't like me anymore, and barely loves me because that is all there is to our relationship and there needs to be more of what builds up a relationship. So, contrary to several of my boundaries I agreed to try a once a week check-in.

I just don't know how I feel about it. On one side it could be good. We have been pretty far apart and it hurts really badly knowing he doesn't find me "emotionally or mentally attractive" at all (not to mention physically). I have been crying myself to sleep more nights than I don't. A few days ago as I was sobbing uncontrollably on the bathroom floor (so I was close to the toilet, crying leads to coughing which leads to vomiting) I thought to myself, "This isn't you. You aren't someone who cries all the time. You are someone who can process her emotions and be logical. You are put-together, and strong. What has happened to you?" So, maybe my boundaries aren't working like I want them to work and I need to reset? Maybe I'm asking for too much information (although I only ask for disclosure, and I NEVER ask what it was, just what device and when). Maybe I really do just need to back up, back off, go to anyone else when I need to talk or have something I want to say. Maybe with space he'll like me again. Maybe with space he'll take care of his own crap?

Then again, maybe my boundaries are working. The times I cry are the times he makes it very clear he doesn't want me, at least not that day. The times I cry are the times I see, all too clearly, that he is in the grips of his addiction and not coming out of it any time soon. The times I cry aren't the times that I share something I learned with him, or the times I talk about the societal problem of pornography. The times I cry are the times I have no idea what is going on and whether or not I'm being used. Not being able to ask about what he has or hasn't viewed, or bring up my fears about what he has or hasn't viewed doesn't seem very productive to my emotional health.

I just have so much fear about this plan. I fear that I'll live in a constant state of worry. I fear that he'll act out and then come sleep next to me, or we'll be intimate when I wouldn't do that if I knew he'd just viewed pornography. I fear it won't change a damn thing about his addiction like he thinks it will but it will deplete me, and take me backwards in my recovery, and when it all comes out I'll feel that much more betrayed. I fear that in those weekly meetings he still won't be honest. I fear that he will tell me he acted out on such-and-such a day and I'll review the entire day after for signs, and I won't find them and I'll feel SO STUPID for not knowing. I fear that I'm enabling.

I fear that I'm letting him get away with it. I realize, that a lot of these fears are because it is forcing me to let go of the facade that I had any control in the first place. Because if I let my guard down, and abandon so many of these boundaries, and I don't talk about anything porn related ALL WEEK then surely he won't even think about trying to recover! If I am not bringing it up, he'll forget that it is bad and a problem that he needs to be working on! If I am not being open and honest with him at all times then he'll think I'm okay with it, when I am not okay with it, and he won't understand just how much he hurts me! - I know all of this is unhealthy and incorrect thinking, I think- It seems that I have been in some way passive aggressively trying to manipulate him into recovery? Maybe all this talk, while it has given me some peace, it has been a false peace, one that isn't based in him changing but in me asserting control of the situation that I really have no control over??

Maybe it is okay to not be so open with B about all this has done, and does to me. I fear anything that resembles hiding and secrecy SO MUCH. So NOT talking about whatever I am thinking or feeling feels like hiding and it makes me so anxious. I'm not supposed to talk about when I'm triggered by a commercial or pop-up. I'm not supposed to talk about this great article I read that taught me something about my recovery. I'm not supposed to talk about how I'm worried about raising a son in this day in age and when he'll be exposed to pornography. I'm not supposed to talk about being worried about my brother. But maybe I can and should find other people/methods for expressing all of this and B doesn't have to be my person? I fear that will take us farther apart, but maybe it won't, maybe it will allow room for us to grow together in the other stuff?

Maybe it is okay if he never understands how much he has hurt me. (This actually scares me a lot. The idea that he can cause SO MUCH hurt, and not understand how much hurt he caused, seems so wrong to me and that scares me) Maybe it is enough that my Savior DOES understand how much I am hurt, have been hurt, and have tried to get over the hurt. The Savior does understand that B is lying to himself when he believes the harm is done by telling me, rather than by the action itself. The Savior won't let him "get away with it" and eventually B will be held accountable for his sins. We are expected to do our best. And maybe with the hand B has been dealt this has been his best. I have hope that there is better in the future, but maybe, just maybe, for now it has been his best with whatever emotional trauma he is hiding under all this addiction. Maybe this new arrangement will force me to dig even deeper for a relationship with my Savior and a release from the bondage of the devil - that bondage being fear. This will grow my patience, and long-suffering, and unconditional love even more perhaps. Perhaps as I strive to remain safe, and healthy emotionally and spiritually without the methods I have been employing I will gain a greater understanding of the gospel, of charity, and of my purpose.

I don't know. There are lots of maybes and question marks in this post. I'm still processing. Any advice from you all would be great. Maybe I'll figure it out. Maybe now that I got all this down I'll be able to focus on my homework.

Well Crap - that link was NOT what I thought

I was lied to this morning. I asked what time he came to bed - he said 11 pm. I was up at 1:30 am with the baby and he wasn't in bed at that point. I called him on it, he said he really thought it was 11 pm and he must have fallen asleep on the couch longer than he realized. I'm not sure whether I believe him.

Then I thought of a funny diddy from the movie "Pillow Talk" that says, (singing) "You lied, you dog. And you'll be sooorrry. You lied, you dog, and you will pay." or something like that. I went to look it up, found a video, clicked on the link and there were porn thumbnails EVERYWHERE. Like, surrounding the entire video were thumbnails of nearly naked women. Large thumbnails. This movie is from the 1960s!!! It is a Doris Day movie for goodness sake! It can't get much more clean than that and it was in the middle of a freakin' porn treasure trove. I'm so angry. That is NOT what I was looking for. So, the minor trigger of a possible lie has now turned into full blown anger and we have our first couples counseling session today with a new counselor. I'm anxious about that anyway because the one time we've gone before many years ago was not a good experience.

Well crap, now I have to work my way out of the mud back into the light. I don't like being in the mud.

This time the "off" feeling was definitely me

Last night I was feeling, or beginning to feel lots of negative emotions. I was sure B is not being truthful, I was angry at him for that, I was sad, I was lonely... the list goes on. I was not where I wanted to be emotionally or spiritually. I was wasting time on my computer, B was behind me working on his. The emotions were getting stronger. I became frustrated that the good week we've been having might come to an end. Gah - just stop you stupid brain!! Just shut up and let me be still!!

Then I remembered the story Rhyll Croshaw shares about knowing something was off and first checking herself to see if it was her before she asked her husband about what was up. So, I went through my day in my head. Wow, it was a triggerful day!

There was an old movie (I'm talking black and white) on and I DESPISED the main guy. As part of that time period I guess he got away with TOTALLY forcing himself into her (the main girl's) apartment, forcing kisses on her, being a TOTAL TOOL, and in the end she still chose him over the respectable, kind, gentle man who also wanted her. Seriously, I didn't watch the entire thing but it was on while I was in and out.

This is the total tool after he stood up the girl who still chose him.  Yeah, those flowers - from the OTHER guy and Mr. Tool just took oen and put it in his lapel. Maybe my anger is too strong since it is a fictional character from a 70 year old movie, but still, I really really dislike this guy. Also, did I mention there was a chorus line, and she was the lead chorus girl? The gentlemen's club for high society 1940's equivalent that was apparently totally fine and acceptable? Gah, stupid movie. The movie is "A Yank in the R.A.F." just so you know never to watch it.

There were some sexualized commercials. There were some tasteless jokes by my brother. There was the evening before where B and my brother had been as a sporting event and my brother came home talking about how great it was to see all the scantily clad girl athletes. Then it ended with The Bachelor. This episode one of the big moments was one of the final four women telling Chris about her posing for playboy, and making a video for playboy, and then it showed them looking at the pictures and watching the video together in a crummy hotel room. SO AWKWARD. Dim blue light from laptop screen on faces, crappy music from the video, and Chris giggling awkwardly.

So, in review, my day was full of things that grated against my soul and heart as just wrong. It was a miracle I hadn't cracked earlier in the day! I realized that maybe it wasn't B this time. Maybe me feeling off was ME and not him and I needed to get myself together. It is always hard to convince myself to do things to change my mood when I want to just sit and fester and be angry with B. It is so much easier to blame someone else for our bad behavior or moods. But alas, I knew it wasn't him this time. As I continued wasting time on pinterest there were about 5 quotes/affirmations in a row that said something to the effect of we can choose our actions, we need to choose the Lord, make Him our anchor, stuff like that. Message received - I need to up my spiritual game for the evening to get out of this mess.

So I read my scriptures. It wasn't super enlightening. I read them with a little bit of angst and boredom to be honest. But I did it. I read them, and after one chapter I didn't feel any better so I kept reading. After a few more chapters I began to see a light at the end of the tunnel. B informed me he was staying up late to work, which scared me and caused some anxiety but I didn't trust myself to handle a conversation about that very well. So I said a prayer and went to bed.

This morning I woke up and my heart is lighter. I was rejuvenated and have been very productive. It worked. I started experiencing negative emotions, I assessed the cause, saw that it was me, and although I didn't feel like it I reached out for the gospel. I reached for my Savior's hand as I was falling into the water weighed down by my fear. He caught me. He will always catch me. 

Obedience, Hope, and Faith all in one verse!

I was reading in the Book of Mormon this morning, Alma Chapter 25 and verse 16 really spoke to me. It reads:

"Now they did not suppose that salvation came by the law of Moses; but the law of Moses did serve to strengthen their faith in Christ; and thus they did retain a hope through faith, unto eternal salvation, relaying upon the spirit of prophecy, which spake of those things to come."

This chapter is talking about the Anti-Nephi-Lehis (who were previously known as Lamanites) who have been converted to the gospel by the sons of Mosiah (you know, those trouble makers who were with Alma the Younger when he saw an angel). The Anti-Nephi-Lehis have been attacked by the Lamanites, but did not fight back because of their promise to God. Many were killed but even more were converted and joined the Anit-Nephi-Lehis. The people are industrious and striving to cling to the gospel.

I think I sometimes fall into the trap of the pharisee where I believe the salvation comes by obedience. If we follow the law, we are saved. While this can be true, it is not the whole picture and I love how this scripture expounds on it to give us a more full idea of the reason for obedience. The Anti-Nephi-Lehis were pretty wise. They followed the Law of Moses but they knew that salvation did not come by obedience alone. The purpose of the laws was to "strengthen their faith in Christ" and through their increased faith they were blessed with HOPE of eternal salvation. Faith in Christ is the important factor, it is strengthened by obedience and it leads to hope!

I want HOPE. A heart full of hope is so much better than a heart full of heartache, pain, anger, sadness, and loneliness. This scripture outlines how to have  hope - be obedient and your faith will be strengthened and you'll have hope. I know the pain and heartache and trial will still come, as they did for these people who had over 1,000 of their members die at the hand of who used to be their bretheren. But they were able to retain hope.

I'm not saying this is the only way to strengthen our faith, but it surely is one of the ways and a very good way. I'm so grateful for personal revelation. I am comforted by the fact that I can seek out my own relationship with God. I don't have to go through anyone but my Savior. My relationship with Heavenly Father and my Savior is only dependent on my own choices, my willingness to obey and to open my heart and mind. We have so much power to change ourselves. Our Savior already paid the price of our eternal salvation. We have the potential to become like our Heavenly Father - truly like him! And the ONLY person that can prevent that is US. Each of us is in charge of our own destiny, truly. We have the power, we just have to decide how to use that power.

Love While You Wait

Today in Sacrament meeting something one of the speakers said really touched me. She was speaking about patience and forgiveness as necessary for charity to grow.

"Patience is having love while you wait for others to grow."

My heart is so full today. I have had so many mixed feelings this week about the role of patience, love, charity, and the like in a marriage to an addict. I know about enabling, boundaries, safety, addiction, lies. I believe all those things I've learned. I also know about patience, and unconditional love, and charity, and I believe in those virtues as well. I feel it is a hard balance to strike to be patient, loving, kind, and have boundaries, and not enable, and keep yourself safe from an addict. At times the principles seem positively contradictory. I don't have all the answers. I don't even have the answers for myself.

But today I have my answer for this moment. Heavenly Father impressed upon me today that patience is having love while you wait for others to grow. For this moment, I need to work on my patience. I need to see the good. I need to focus on what IS going well rather than what isn't. I need to let God take care of B and be still. B might still destroy himself, and our family with it. But for today, for this moment, just staying and loving is what I need to work on doing.

It is hard to wait for others to grow. It is hard to be on the cutting edge of others mistakes. We have all been there, for lots of different reasons. Usually we can just minimize our exposure to those who are hurting us by not going out of our way to see them. In marriage it is more difficult because we LIVE together and are trying to have a marriage after all. Am I waiting patiently for B to grow? Am I relying on my Savior and trusting in His plan for me? Am I trusting in His plan for my son, that may or may not include married parents? Am I trusting in His plan for B? How am I showing that trust? Am I growing and learning? I am not except from the need for growth, so am I doing it? Am I evaluating myself, and asking the Lord to show me my weaknesses so that I get down to the hard work of improving myself?

I feel a bit like I am rambling. Here is my point - Christ lives. The Savior of the world lives, and loves each of us and is aware of each of us. He is aware of me and my heartache. He is aware of B and B's struggles. Today, he reminded me that He is aware of me by impressing upon my mind something that matters, something that I can apply, and something that is pertinent to my life. For me, for right now, I will work on loving B while I wait for him to grow.

Music is a Tender Mercy

Music is so wonderful and can speak to my heart on days when nothing else can get through. Lately I'm LOVING Katy Perry's "Roar." 

I'm so grateful for the wonderful women who have gone before me and are forging a path through this darkness that others can follow. There was a thread on a facebook community I'm a part of that gave song suggestions for WoPAs and it has helped me get through this week. I know I'll use the music as a part of my life for a long time to come so I'm just grateful today. 

Thank you lady friends for sharing in your struggle, your ups and downs, your faith and doubts, your path that others may learn, feel validation, know they aren't alone, grow, and find their own path.