Recovery is hard work and healing is hard work. Hubs and I are both engaged is a battle of whether or not we are willing to work harder than the adversary to win our souls.
When I was single I had a list, like most people, of things I was looking for in a spouse. I was looking for a family man, smart, funny, spiritual, and especially a hard worker. My parents taught me that marriage is worth it but it is work. I've seen many marriages end and I wanted to do all in my power to set myself up for success. I believed if I married someone who worked hard not only at a career but at their goals, their spirituality, and their family life then he would work hard on our marriage too.
For years I thought I had misjudged and my husband wasn't willing to do the work necessary to recover and to work on our marriage. This year I've changed my mind. There is still SO MUCH MORE to do for him and me and us but he is working on it.
Nearly a year ago, maybe 11 months, we hit rock bottom in our marriage. He was convinced he hated me, that I hated him, and he couldn't be happy with me, that he was worthless, and that there wasn't hope for us. It was a tough thing to hear. I had suggested therapy a month beforehand but he hadn't said anything. Then after he spilled out how much he didn't love me or want to be married to me he said he thought we should go to therapy. I said okay and we had an appointment within a couple weeks.
I think that if I didn't have a hard worker then when the love was gone he would've left. I think if I didn't have a hard worker then he wouldn't have thrown himself into all the recovery steps he'd been working to avoid for so long. I think if I didn't have a hard worker then he wouldn't have and be continuing to take our therapy seriously, be open in therapy, and apply the advice of our therapist. If I didn't have a hard worker he wouldn't be working with his sponsor so closely on how to change his heart, not just his behavior. If I didn't have a hard worker i don't think I'd still be married. Today, even though we have so long to go, I am so grateful that he's willing to keep up the hard work. Satan isn't going to win his battle for my husband or for our marriage. That is what I believe today.
Friday, January 29, 2016
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
What's my next move? I have OPTIONS.
On a forum I participate in, I shared that I recently caught my husband in a lie. One friend asked me, "What is your next move?" (thank you Daisy!)
It let me come up with more specifics about what I was going to do and articulate more clearly what my actions are going to be moving forward. Much of what I listed were things relating to old boundaries, and habits that I know bring me peace. The wonderful thing about this exercise was the reminder that I HAVE OPTIONS!
We, all of us, have options. We might be powerless over the addiction and we are powerless over the actions of others but we still have lots of power. We have power over ourselves and our actions and our choices. I have options. I am not trapped. I feel trapped sometimes and my options aren't necessarily ideal, but I do have options and I can help make myself safe and whole.
Isn't it beautiful that we have power that can't be taken from us? Isn't it so wonderful that our Heavenly Father gave us agency, and that this agency can not be taken from us? As I have worked recovery, been to therapy, worked steps, learned from women wiser than myself, and relied on the Savior, I've found more confidence in myself and my ability to make good decisions. I've discovered more of the options that are always before me.
My options aren't ideal. My husband has been caught in a lie and there is fall-out to deal with, but it can be dealt with and I have tools and I have options.
I am woman. Hear me roar. :)
It let me come up with more specifics about what I was going to do and articulate more clearly what my actions are going to be moving forward. Much of what I listed were things relating to old boundaries, and habits that I know bring me peace. The wonderful thing about this exercise was the reminder that I HAVE OPTIONS!
We, all of us, have options. We might be powerless over the addiction and we are powerless over the actions of others but we still have lots of power. We have power over ourselves and our actions and our choices. I have options. I am not trapped. I feel trapped sometimes and my options aren't necessarily ideal, but I do have options and I can help make myself safe and whole.
Isn't it beautiful that we have power that can't be taken from us? Isn't it so wonderful that our Heavenly Father gave us agency, and that this agency can not be taken from us? As I have worked recovery, been to therapy, worked steps, learned from women wiser than myself, and relied on the Savior, I've found more confidence in myself and my ability to make good decisions. I've discovered more of the options that are always before me.
My options aren't ideal. My husband has been caught in a lie and there is fall-out to deal with, but it can be dealt with and I have tools and I have options.
I am woman. Hear me roar. :)
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Dreams
In my life bad dreams have been few and far between. I attribute this to a sweet learning experience when I had a nightmare as a child and my father encouraged me to pray for no more bad dreams. I did, they went away, I didn't have a bad dream for about 15 years. Sometimes I still pray for no bad dreams, and no spiders in my bed.
Trauma is real though so bad dreams have returned to my life on an infrequent basis. About once a month of so I'll dream something to do with the addiciton - he acted out, he cheated, I had to escape sex trafficking, and things like that. I wake up angry, or sad, and restless and ill-as-ease. It is still crazy to me that something we dream can have such a profound effect on our waking hours.
Last week I had a pretty bad dream. I was mostly useless during the day because it triggered some pretty severe sadness over what my husband has seen and it triggered some body-image woes. I read my scriptures, I napped, I tried to numb with reading and television. Through the whole day my husband, who knew only that I'd had a bad dream, was patient, and just let me have space without reacting to my melancholy or taking it personally.
To me, this is evidence of change and recovery in his life and mine. I didn't lash out in my sadness and anger and he didn't lash out at my detachment. When I told him about the dream and the subsequent emotions he listened, validated, and comforted, and opened up about some of his own fears and insecurities that he had been facing for a little while. It was a beautiful evening after a wretched day.
It is evidence of the power of the atonement. Our fears, and our sadness, and our despair can all be wrapped up in the love and atonement of our Savior and replaced with peace, hope, and love. Recovery, the 12 steps, thearpy, it has all helped to to better and more quickly apply the healing balm of the atonement in my life and for that I am grateful.
Trauma is real though so bad dreams have returned to my life on an infrequent basis. About once a month of so I'll dream something to do with the addiciton - he acted out, he cheated, I had to escape sex trafficking, and things like that. I wake up angry, or sad, and restless and ill-as-ease. It is still crazy to me that something we dream can have such a profound effect on our waking hours.
Last week I had a pretty bad dream. I was mostly useless during the day because it triggered some pretty severe sadness over what my husband has seen and it triggered some body-image woes. I read my scriptures, I napped, I tried to numb with reading and television. Through the whole day my husband, who knew only that I'd had a bad dream, was patient, and just let me have space without reacting to my melancholy or taking it personally.
To me, this is evidence of change and recovery in his life and mine. I didn't lash out in my sadness and anger and he didn't lash out at my detachment. When I told him about the dream and the subsequent emotions he listened, validated, and comforted, and opened up about some of his own fears and insecurities that he had been facing for a little while. It was a beautiful evening after a wretched day.
It is evidence of the power of the atonement. Our fears, and our sadness, and our despair can all be wrapped up in the love and atonement of our Savior and replaced with peace, hope, and love. Recovery, the 12 steps, thearpy, it has all helped to to better and more quickly apply the healing balm of the atonement in my life and for that I am grateful.
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