Hubs is back to 1 day sober after 2 months, and 3 months before that. The last time he acted out (2 months ago) he was super on the ball about talking to his sponsor, SA contacts, going to/calling into group meetings, and helping me feel safe. This time he told me he'd acted out because he was bored. He said, "I'm sorry" and when I asked he'd told me he had not talked to his sponsor and since that time we've barely spoken in two days.
And I'm just mad. I spent the day at work busting my ass to get a Ph D so I can financially provide for our family since he isn't. I also spent my day thinking of fun date night ideas for us since we haven't been on a nice date in ages and he will be leaving town for Thanksgiving. I even arranged a babysitter and was collecting ideas of new fun things to do. While I was doing this he was watching other women have sex or dance, probably both or whatever he watched, and masturbating. I'm SO PISSED at the irony.
Last night he was talking to my father, the bishop, about a man in need in our ward. Hubs was VERY concerned that this man, who is practically a stranger, is having a hard time with the death of my grandfather, my father's father (who was also in our branch). Yet, my husband basically avoided me and any difficult things I might be feeling because it would be so much more difficult to face the hurt HE caused than it is to be worried over this other guy he barely knows. I'm SO PISSED at the irony.
He is having a hard time getting all his work in because he's taken on an extra freelance job. I'm still barely catching up from when he was out of town for a month. I have worked tons of extra hours in the last two weeks and mostly just crawl in to bed exhausted but he has time to stay up late playing video games and then complains that we don't have someone to watch our son on the days HE is supposed to be watching our son. But on the day that we did have someone watching our son he spent time meant for work on porn and masturbation. I'm SO PISSED at the irony.
In the past few weeks he's been mad at me for wanting to do FHE on Sundays instead of Mondays, and for letting our son watch a Disney cartoon on Sunday, and has given me about 3 lectures on "choosing" happiness. Yet, HE WATCHES PORN on Monday, he gets down enough to act out in his addiction. I'm sorry, by "choose" happiness did you really mean choose your horrible numbing mechanism called lust addiction? I'm confused? I'm SO PISSED at the irony.
On Sunday he talked to our bishop about having an interview tonight for renewing his temple recommend, so he can do temple work for his grandfather while in Utah for Thanksgiving. On Monday he acted out. I'm SO PISSED at the irony.
I did a good job staying numb all day yesterday and focusing on work, but now my shell is cracking when I really still need to be productive. I don't want to go home because I'll see him but I do because I want to see my son.
Stupid addiction.
