I can't remember how many times I've read on other WoPA's blogs that once their husbands got some sobriety and recovery their emotions seemed to be shaken loose and there was lots of trauma to work through. Could that be what is happening to me?
B is not quite 2 months sober and I would say is in recovery as well. He's working very hard and in general being the best version of himself, the one that I always knew was in there somewhere. I'm happy for him. I'm happy for us. I'm hopeful. The other day he even was telling me how hopeful HE is. Hopeful is not a word that he has used to describe his feelings much, if ever, in relation to this addiction.
I on the other hand have been struggling a lot lately. I've been feeling so, so hurt by so, so many things. There are the pregnancy triggers that I wrote about previously which are still very much there. B is not coming to bed at the same time as me and I can't sleep until he is in bed most nights. I fret and my imagination runs wild and I try to quell the fears but they are strong.
Then there is pinterest.
B is an artist. I've had a hard time in the past with us disagreeing about appropriate artwork, and how to study the human body for improving his craft vs. when he is lusting. He is open with the fact that he is trying to define his own boundaries in regards to this. A couple days ago he pinned something I thought was highly inappropriate, he apparently didn't agree since he pinned it, knowing it could be seen. On the same board there are other pins that I don't like due to overtly sexual tones. This particular board and many of these pins are particularly triggering to me because a year or so ago we fought over the content he was pinning. He promised to delete the offending pins. Over Christmas vacation I discovered he had not deleted them, he had in fact created a secret board and had moved the pins over, and continued pinning the same kind of things on the secret board. I think finding some more pins recently and seeing that some of the old ones weren't deleted has brought up all the feelings I had upon discovery of this board on vacation.
I'm feeling very hurt and sad and unloveable. I'm feeling very self conscious. Not only can I not live up to what porn-stars look like because I won't spend that kind of money on plastic surgery. I can't live up to what these hand drawn women look like because it is literally physically impossible. On top of that I won't live up to my personal best for a while because I'm pregnant and my body does not belong to me for the time being.
I believe it will take time, self-care, recovery work, and my Savior to heal my heart and I hope to just get out of my own way and let all these things work in my life.
